The Voice of Silence

Once we watch the lazy world go by~

2012-02-16T19:19:00.001+08:00

Now the days seem to fly.

Life is brief.

But when it's gone.

Love goes on and on.

Lust after

2012-02-14T03:42:00.004+08:00

Even as I type here I do not know anyone who bothers to read. I have been absent, lost touch with the world of blogging.

It became difficult for me to write, maybe zombies ate my brain cells when I'm asleep. Or maybe, life just became overwhelming. Because I have always had something on my mind, always something to discuss, always something that might offend someone, always something I want to keep to myself.

I don't even know where to start.

Currently I am surrounded by the most beautiful people. Before anyone is offended be assured I think most people are pretty in their own way. Let's just say my current peers satisfy my artistic eye. Now don't any of you tell me beauty is not important. I'm tired of stereotypes. No more accusing one side of being vain and no more telling the others they are ugly.

Maybe that's the word- tired. I haven't been busy but I am tired. Tired because I have been told to follow some imaginary 12 steps to be a faithful follower of Christ. In my heart of hearts, I know I cannot be tamed. So all these walls just keep closing, taking my breath away.

I know the words. I know His ways. I even know He does miracles. I have seen it! Yet I am not keen on becoming cookie cutter Christian. The nice lady serving fully with a pleasant smile, no cuss words and seemingly no emotions but gladness.

Joy is a precious thing, a constant state of peace knowing God is in control; see? I told you I know things. Years passed as I silently do my part behind the scenes, I felt my heart shrinking, shrinking. I'm Christian right? I'm not supposed to have ill feelings, not supposed to be heartbroken. Wooo, I'm suppose to take all the necessary steps to be excellent and have a neverending peace and maintain the same ZEN facial expression. In fact nothing matters, not emotions, not the past, not desire, not beauty.

Of course, naturally I hunger for a little bit more life and laughter. Who ever knew that I will end up in fashion capital itself?

Now I beg God do not punish me for saying what I am about to say. As I met a Jew, he gave me a feeling I am not worthy. He has a disciplined lifestyle of working out, prayer, and only kosher foods. I avoid getting into deep conversation with this person but it struck me when asked of his choices he says "because I am religious."

That word. Religious. Most of the world will hate that word. But he says it with such pride. In my heart of hearts, I felt disgusted. I understood then that religion is man made. God is neither amused or impressed by manly deeds. But what word can I use to describe my faith to Jesus?

Last night at church confirmed I was here because God placed me. Just thinking of all those times I try to please God on my own and failed, I didn't see Him romancing me all that time.

I have told a few people about my dissatisfactions of church doctrines, and in a week Jesus answered them. One of the things I love about my church is I know the members look at me with wonder. Not because of a sexy dress or a funky hat. From the very first day I knew the favor of God was on me. "But you are so beautiful", made me smile when I didn't want to be photographed. I still have my insecurities nevertheless I am convinced a smile like mine must be God given.

"Let's just be in love, " He whispers in my ear.

Years ago I knew God loved me, I became driven.

Now, I know Jesus loves me, passionately. I am smitten.

Something precious

2011-11-05T04:41:00.004+08:00

Hello world. It feels a little bit awkward to be standing/sitting here again. Actually I never lost the need to write in expressing myself, busy is a bad excuse.

But being away is just part of, growing up.

Now that we're on that topic, part of the signs of growing older is the lack of enthusiasm. It's a weird feeling of missing that enthusiasm yet too embarrassed to start jumping/shrieking/squealing/whatever people do when excited.

Nevertheless, I'm content. I have never smiled more, and never more loved. Out of a stuck of good fortune, the grace of God and a long line of strange events, I am at the place of my desire, doing something of my childhood dream and very recently given a chance to happily ever after.

And yet, I feel as if I'm shrinking in my courage to say ~~God~~ Jesus is good. Perhaps for the last four years I have been spared, at the moment I am sure enough who is my saviour, but it is not easy to convince those that have more knowledge about Christ than the average Malaysian.

As if by coincidence, I am in a place with an aim to answer "what is man?"

Reaction

2011-03-05T04:10:00.002+08:00

In every action, there's a reaction. Be wise and choose words carefully, even small details cause enough harm. Many words can't be taken back, 20 years worth of them.

More than enough.

2011-03-02T17:30:00.002+08:00

Some people know that I have trouble falling asleep. What most people do not know, is because of that, I also refuse to get out of bed. Common sense, if you spend 3 hours trying to fall asleep, why wake up 2 hours later with the alar thumping in your head?

I cannot say I can survive a few nights straight without sleep. Though I wish I can, with so much to do. What is at the end of this? Only God knows.

When hardwork is not equaled to days of sleepless nights.

2011-02-24T05:22:00.003+08:00

This is my rant.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. NO ONE.

Not a single one.

Not my supervisor, not the students.

So to succeed, just work hard. Right, so I have nothing to show, means I have been sleeping on it eh?

I wish, at least sleep sounds so good to me right now.

Sick! So sick! This is sickening! Of course everyone has it hard. But I'm most disturbed by the lack of understanding.

Loosing my breath.

Psalm 46:10

Cease (striving) and know that I am God.

When my best just isn't good enough

2011-02-08T08:37:00.001+08:00

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from youselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do " (Eph. 2:8,9).

And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me. 2 Cor 12: 9

I can do ALL things.

2011-02-08T00:23:00.000+08:00

THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength.

period!

Greater things have yet to come.

2011-01-30T06:10:00.004+08:00

For the first time in my life someone says I'm gentle.

LOL? My housemate thinks so.

I would never associate myself in the same sentence as "gentle". No I think you would agree with me that the word gentle illustrates a swan or a dove or Audrey Hepburn in her transmogrified character in My Fair Lady. "How do you do?" No you wouldn't associate it with a burning passion larger than life or a little lioness ready to roar and pounce.

Not me.

Rather, maybe passive is the word. It bothers me as a private person that I'm releasing too much of my load up stress to the public. God bless the internet. Having said that I AM a private person, that's merely the tip of the iceberg.

One would wish that to accomplish something, all you have to do is to counteract your weaknesses. One would wish. It would be so easier to say "don't be lazy", and work 20 hours a day. One would wish that locking oneself indoors to complete their work will do the trick. Skipping meal times, eat rubbish, cut down the amount of sleep. It's loosing weight without trying to loose weight, what brilliance.

Is it worth it though?

What have I gained with nights of worry and fear?
I lost it.

It's not something I expect anyone to understand. But simply put, I lost it. More than a year has passed when everything seemed to say "You're not good enough". It binds my soul and takes life away from me. So precious was a faith in the impossible. Leaving me fragile, tired, afraid.

Sister

2011-01-25T05:39:00.002+08:00

Now, knowing that we're not that different after all, it gives me some sense of hope.

I love you...

(Even if it means I have to share my allowance with you for the next 4 years. )

In each and every person

2011-01-24T21:26:00.001+08:00

You have been given a gift or ability, that is enough to sustain you for this life.
Do you develop it or let it lie dormant?
Maybe one day you'll hear my voice of silence.

Too smart too early?

2011-01-20T12:24:00.003+08:00

It's something that bothers me nowadays. Am I fighting a loosing battle? By knowledge no one should ever worry about the things that have not happened. But have I come to a point where I have given up fighting before the battle?

小时了了，大未必佳

Nobody really understands the Chinese idiom the way I do. Did they not notice that when I said I was a top scorer from my old school, I wasn't talking about mere passing among 30 students per grade? Of course, nobody tries to understand. But only try to rub in how they had to work so hard and get nothing. Work hard, that's the key word. Is it possible that I have achieved success too early that I was too afraid to work harder when I fail to deliver?

Although I know that the scrutiny I receive is meant for me to do better in my work, write-ups and tests, I'm still petrified at the sight of the journals I have to refer to. I am way behind schedule, too anxious, too paralyzed, too stupid.

Not another night of crying, please, I have to get this writing done.

Stuck

2011-01-18T10:25:00.004+08:00

There are times when I'm too scared to admit I need help. Too worried to keep pushing on.

There are times when I move in one direction, I'm stucked in between gasping for air to breathe.

There are times when my heart beats too quickly, even asking myself to cry is difficult.

There are times when I want this life to end immediately, I don't want to fail anyone.

There are times, and these are the times I need most

Grace...

The cares of life

2010-12-02T06:24:00.002+08:00

I know by heart the only way to get over it is to get through it. Doesn't change how hard life truly is. Some things have changed over the months, not because I am uninspired. Just nowadays I have issues with admitting I have emotions. I have turned to looking happy and carefree always. We know I'm writing this now because that is not the case. I am concerned, no petrified of what this life holds for me. I have lost hope in dreams, because I am tired of being poisoned by a dream that wasn't mine.

Today, I'm sorry I failed. I lost my temper. The worries in this life is no excuse. Yet for a moment, anger was the only way to hide the fear and doubt I carry. And I definitely do not want you here to see this mess, or for you to rub salt into it.

Fish out of water.

2010-11-25T23:25:00.001+08:00

One thing led to another.
Trying so hard to get used to things I'm too tired to cry or find an excuse.

Remember

2010-11-19T19:27:00.001+08:00

My kingdom is not of this world.

What a month.

2010-10-15T05:54:00.003+08:00

It feels good to be finally using my brain again. Unfortunately, much that I have learned probably have been erased from my head now.

For the moment I am glad of the people and environment I am surrounded with. It hasn't been the easiest time for me, nor the happiest. Yet I have learned the true meaning of the word "joy". Just minutes ago I just submitted an application that might changed the direction in my life. Hopefully. I probably am going to keep it hush hush for now as it's a childhood dream I once tried to dampen because of emotional scars. But I praise God for His timing, being able to provide me with gracious people and a lecturer that is ever so ready to write a reference in 6 hours. I feel so guilty, honoured, unworthy but grateful.

When I read through some old scribblings in my notes, I laughed.
Dear 21 year old me,
have you... etc etc etc, are you pretty now? etc etc

Well, I do feel a lot more beautiful than I have ever felt in my life. There's one good thing about Italian men, they make you fall in love with yourself before falling for them :P . Men come and go, so people, I'm happy single and not so available.

Now Visa Extension. Final year. Step by step

I surrender.

Kick

2010-08-05T06:27:00.002+08:00

How do you start a post which you are unsure what to name as?

The absence wasn't a planned hiatus nor was I uninspired. But perhaps by this time writing again, I might find who I am again with a different light.

Honestly I should be studying right now, go yell at me all you want but I know I won't do any better lest I clear my thoughts. The months have been far from boring. If any of you think my life can't be any more dynamic, think again. Where do I even begin?

I wonder if taking Pharmacy has been God's plan all along, in particular studying IN Glasgow. I might have been a lot happier dealing with animals in the veterinary. Note to self-let children pick their passion. I had one year to figure out i can survive outside the medical/science world, art, fashion, food, language, culture, literature, theology, to a certain extent-music. Yet even penning these down, my true passion is still science, not a medical doctor in particular though (sorry dad!). Is anyone else out there that can make science and art coincide? Because I am not happy how I cannot turn Pharmacy around that way

What about right after Pharmacy? Where? Months ago i have been proposed the most insane idea to do research in Italy. Italy of all places, the country of my temptation.

From Enrico Sinatra
Glasgow, United Kingdom
^{Aug 1}
Positive
Kindly, Kindly, kindly, Her friend Love energy radiates everyone close her.
Her eyes has communicated the "beatifull of the life"... The beatifull of discover"... See you, and always keep in touch.

That's all I need to know, even with every craziness happening, I have been handpicked by God for a Him. Favor pours even when I wasn't faithful, He always is.

Truth is

2010-07-27T02:41:00.002+08:00

I can't.

I can't be proud of you.

Is that even a trick question?

Am I proud of you?

You who base your life on what you lie through

You put your career ahead of your family

You who have no control of your temper

No regard of the law but expect me to worship you.

You who think I have no passion and useless

What passion? You killed my passion when I was 6.

You expect me to be you.

Because you're the greatest man in the world?

Don't make me laugh in disgust.

I love you, but maybe I'd be a lot happier, a lot less fortunate, still a lot less broken with someone else.

All grown up, really?

2010-04-16T22:17:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when everything is uncertain, you have to initiate something in faith hoping everything else falls in place.

"So its Glasgow Airport this 24th, so I will be sipping coffee observing the Glaswegians pass by Sauciehall Street,” thought myself as I lay there just staring into the dark ceiling. My hands clutching bear seeking comfort just pondering over the last 8 roller coaster months. I feel a mixture of excitement, joy, fear and weariness.

Oh the things to do to prepare myself for Glasgow. Taste all the Malaysian food. Meet up friends. Learn a few dishes. Make good bye notes. Make a list of things to stock up-MILO!, extra pair of glasses, energy saving light bulb, more MILO, asian producst, Asience shampoo, Milo.. Oooo dad is coming over, maybe I should persuade him to pamper me with what I can’t afford, SK-II, a silver bell anklet, or maybe even a Canon DSLR. Heeheehee.. Bad idea, but a girl can dream. Study. Print out tickets. Get a flu shot, Ouch!!! And must must must meet mom.

Plenty of things, but nothing technical I can’t handle. My mind, on the other hand, may need some adjusting to the idea of change. Sigh.
It will be a year till I graduate from UoS. Exhilarating, yes but can I make it? I’m only 20 and feeling like my brain juices have been sucked outta me during these few months. I love Scotland but my experience there was less than rosy. Everything went wrong and plenty of times I just think: I rather have it another simpler way but God You are with me, I will continue moving. I have, from an independent and self sufficient individual, humbled to needing support and comfort from others. Scared, I must and will by sweat or by blood finish this. With that though, the question then will be if I were to pursue a PHD? Far fetch. Not to mention I have to decide where, Malaysia, UK, Australia, US or even Africa.

Speaking of which, has a lot to do with my other concern, my existent-but-rather-not-remember love life. There was one person I did gave my heart to, 4 years. But this is what happens when two people are uber shy; nothing. Lesson learnt, I need a real man that is confident and sure. NOTE I SAID CONFIDENT NOT SHAMELESS OR BRAZEN. Earlier I went to my old campus, just a whiff of the antibiotic smell brings me back. I’m basically everyone’s senior, they should all bow down and worship me. One thing good about going to school early, I am very eligible and datable. While the idea of dating a future doctor is glamorous, I know one long enough to know better. Its always about discussing medication or arguing on primary health with a Pharmacist. To date another pharmacist, not too bad but we probably be whining about who got a bigger PHD. Though… Pharmacists do it over-the-counter twice three times daily .

Last year we girls were just joking about who’s getting married first. Ironically, I the ice queen am said to be married in 3 years. “because things happen to you” apparently said the boy crazed *Delia. Riiiight, then I’ll be like… 23? Then my years of staring at Riccardo Scamarcio will be shorten. I have to agree that things DO happen to me though. Yeesh, all the sudden its as if I put on pheromones, with random guys chasing me from left to right. And its not even online. Why didn’t they, a year ago??!?! If the myth of the Trevi fountain is true then I am doomed to be struck by a thunderstorm of romance. It will be interesting though, one ice queen and few consistent guys, what a ride this will be. Hahahaha, that is if any of them can contain my dynamic character. Better make the best of it. Love me, worship me, and bring me my Milo, warm with a cookie by the side. There is one very nice guy in Glasgow though, but again, shy. BOY you have one (or few, not infinite) more chance or winning me before I am swept away by a charming bad boy.

Life is a lot smaller if its just containing me, myself and I. Sure many times we wish we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. Perhaps when you think it through, if that’s the way what is there to cherish? Call it Karma if you like but serving others is always rewarding. Not that anyone should expect anything in return. Honestly it’s not always so easy to be the “nice” one, and I won’t deny that I do blow up. Here I am, sincere as I can be. Most people reject the idea of God but I ain’t here to argue. I’m into science and logics too. Anyhow, it’s all worth it in the end. Some of you may have found out that I have quite a few talents. I am blessed and honoured. Still, a talent is just another skill until it’s a gift to others. So… Children books?

My future. Is. Ahead. Of me. Just have to persevere and believe that everything will work out eventually. In life I will make a lot of mistakes, just thinking of it gives me the shudders. Guys you ask why don’t I let my guard down? Because I’m someone’s baby. Someone’s baby sister. Someone’s baby best friend. You don’t want to break that many hearts do ya?

Take a deep breath and dive in. One question still remains though.

Where do I go from here?

Droooooooool

2010-04-15T02:06:00.005+08:00

Remember last year I made a post on my weakness with Mediterranean men?

ahem, this one

Well, knowing them personally, I've gone completely Italiano now...

What's even more embarassing? I actually saw one actor that made me bite my lip immediately...

He's younger, dashing and way sexier *guilty look*...

Kim's still my most handsome... But feast your eyes on my new crush!

Years ago i made a comment that only Italians have the right to have weird curls.... I found the perfect example :D wheeeee

Now that's what I'm talking about

2010-01-26T06:28:00.000+08:00

Encounter

2009-12-05T09:25:00.002+08:00

Tonight I kinda took a step of faith, a giant one personally for me, and prayed in front at prayer meet. A giant one; Number 1, enochlophobia my number one fear is crowds. Number 2, the microphone hates me. Number 3, I don't pray out loud usually.

Even while worshiping Jacelyn already notice that "look" on my face she said- the "I-got-something-on-my-mind" look. I was just thinking of certain people, and the word that came to mind was encounter. I have heard of Brian Houston's definition of encounter " a collision with the unusual". I knew personally what and for whom I wanted to pray for encounter.

As the meeting goes on I became restless. Tonight the prayers are more on the supernatural side, the healing part. Oh um, hmmm.... Chinadu (don't know spelling) spots the restlessness, so I told him I wasnt sure but I got a word, encounter, that's it.

As the prayers go on, I thought of Saul in the new testament, how he not only changed from his collision with God, but transformed fully. Hmmm.....

The prayers went more and more prophetic, more in tune with what I had in mind when Chinadu (I apologise again) tap me and said if I had a word I had to release it, if I dont God is goin' to release more and more words into me. Someone could be released just by one word. Brother, if you didnt mention someone else, I wouldn't even take a step. But I guess that's how God works, its never about ourselves.

I stood next to Jace as my stomach started feeling reeeaaaaally funny. I was in my own mental battle, what if this isn't for the church? What is it's all in my head? Whaaaaa~~~ One by one the prayers were about something supernatural. Then Gordon went in front for the last confirmation, he read out Acts where Saul faced God.

"FINE~ No more negotiating, I'm going! I'm Going!"

I did. Believe me I was dead scared of standing with a microphone. Deep breaths.

The word encounter means a collision with the unusual. Non-believers, atheists, backsliders know about Jesus, sometimes to a point that we should be ashamed of what we know. I have friends that will say "I will put my trust in Jesus if He does this and this and the list goes on". Now Saul was a Christian persecutor, but he wasn't stupid. He knew. He knew of the miracles of Jesus. He knew of the turning of water into wine. He knew of His teachings. He knew of the dying on the cross. He knew of the resurrection, he wasn't sure but he has heard. But on Acts 9 what happen changed Saul completely in an instant.

Now that is the difference between knowledge and encounter.

If it weren't for a lot of pressuring, I wouldn't have shared it. I just feel, I know we must pray for encounter with God either personally or for others. :)

A Little Taste of Honey

2009-11-26T23:51:00.003+08:00

If you read the old testament long enough you'd know a guy named Saul and his son Jonathan out at war. Saul was asleep one night when Jonathan gathered men said "Let's go fight and WIN!" Jonathan and his armor bearer brought one sword and they slew 20 over people. Saul woke up to seeing some Philistines running like chickens. In the Philistines there's this famous forest dripping with honey, like it's raining honey. Saul got up and said "Nobody in this army take a bite of anything until all my enemies are subdued. Eat nothing, I command you."

Most of us should be able to identify with Saul. Who celebrates during the half time of a football game? I for one, am most guilty of waiting till the final victory to celebrate, most importantly, to give praise.

I like Jonathan, who says "I ain't gonna let nobody that's been sleepin the whole time to tell me when I can be happy of the Lord. I'm gonna get me some honey."

It's human to celebrate in the full victory, but remember that God's ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8). Satan has ways to frustrate us. Number 1 by failure and number 2 by incompletion. Honestly I trust you guys to be mature enough to understand how number 1 works. However, when we hold our praise until whatever we haven't completed is completed Satan will rob us of the refreshments we need for the next battle. Ultimately, we lose the war.

Life is hard. If it isn't for you then you haven't live long enough. Yesterday I watched how Moses brought his people out of Egypt. I'm not sure if its biblical but I learned something from the movie, about understanding the price of freedom. Anyway, a time when the Hebrews were thirsting to death and Moses gathered up the choir to sing while the men dig in the ground.

Then Israel Sang this song, Spring up, O well, sing ye onto it.
Numbers 21:17

Wait a minute, sing onto what? The ground? Dirt? Sand? Hole? It's like we're singing to the sand in the middle of the dessert. Or take a look at this

Sing, O barren.
Isaiah 54:1

Now I'd understand if God says SING O prosperous one, SING o blessed, SING o successful, SING o fruitful or sing when the water starts springing up from the hole. "We worship You, Hallelujah Hallelujah" when a miracle happens, ring a bell? But it is when you're depressed, broke, tired, that God asks you to start singing. "Sing when nothing's happening, sing on the partial and I will release all my glory. But I will need people who will sing to the sand."

Our God is a God of seed, you ask for a tree, a fruit, He gives you a seed. That dates back to Genesis. This is how He works- He GIVES you a promise, you receive the promise and GIVE praise onto the promise. Both are needed for you to get pregnant and give birth to the full miracle.

Because God has not design men to take battle after battle after battle, refreshments are needed. Jonathan won the battle and he took some time to enjoy the honey, and wooo, he was fired up for the next battle.

Its's always we magnify and God manifest, we praise then He perform. Not the other way around.

Bees make honey by flying away from the hive. It carries pollen (problems) and nectar (negativity) , then brings them back to the beehive (church, LG, community). Not one bee can make honey on its own. That's why they have to buzz each other in the bee hive, share the pollen and nectar. But how can a bee, with the same mouth carry pollen and nectar, produce honey with the sweet liquid coming out. That's when we need to learn to praise God.

You remember Samson from the old testament. He was a Hebrew Hercules who tore a lion apart with his bare hands, and killed like a thousand men, if that's not cool enough, with a donkey bone. His mother knew from the start God has chosen him to manifest His miracles. And Samson's strength lies in his hair, so he has this Fabio thing going on. Right, Samson was once taken by God to a familiar place. He saw the lion's carcass he once slew and in it were bees making honey. So he reached in to the slain testimony of the past and grabbed some honey for strength to fight his next battle.

We need to start looking back at the dead lions God conquered in our lives. Reach back, and take from these testimonies some honey! If God can do that yesterday, He certainly can do this, and more tomorrow.

Fresh Wounds

2009-10-24T20:49:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought I'm fine, I'm not.

Defying Gravity

2009-10-22T07:19:00.000+08:00

ELPHABA-So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Shriek!

2009-10-07T20:14:00.002+08:00

WUuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One!
一！
Satu!
Uno!
ουσ !

Deep breath
Mark my words Strathclyde, you will miss this Mensa level student when I graduate!

When life is upside down.

2009-10-06T01:32:00.001+08:00

Some love and support would be nice.

Somehow I just never seem to deserve it.

Am I just not good enough?

Once in a lifetime

2009-10-04T06:41:00.002+08:00

It isn't official but praise God for His grace. Maybe not what I have hoped for but the Lord knows me best as well as my yearning for rest. 15 years I have enslaved myself to the express route. For the first time ever life is beginning to flow slower, its a new feeling, a strange feeling that frightens me. Things are changing, people are changing, I am changing.

Just what if You have a larger plan for me here?

For now, let me take a breather.

Still

2009-09-29T03:01:00.003+08:00

Right when everything seem to have fallen apart, the lyrics "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm" rang in my head while I struggled to fill that answer sheet.

When I was crying a friend comforted me with Psalm 91 " ⁴ He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. " Arlyne, 18th August.

The day I couldn't sleep we worshiped "find rest my soul".
LOL lifegroup, 18th August.

Yesterday the church edified with the words "Cast your burdens at the Lord's feet; His yoke is easy His burden is light; If God is with you, who is against you?"
New Mercy Church, 27th September.

Today the last word completes the worship song " Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10.
Heidi, 28th August.

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Be still.

What I really feared 3 years ago

2009-08-19T04:18:00.001+08:00

... was hopelessness.

And the feeling is back full throttle.

To the Limit

2009-08-09T00:04:00.003+08:00

I realise I can be fierce when needed. It's the first time I have a sense of authority in my voice.

Whatever had changed has benefited me so far. Last night I felt like I won't make it without collapsing. Just a rough update, I haven't been living so well in Glasgow. Hectic schedules is just part of the daily routine that keeps my mind off the chaos at home. I have been getting 6-7 hours of sleep, yet I was shocked to notice my lids pale white. I have finals in a week and right now I am struggling to stay awake every two hours.

I don't expect anyone to understand how this feels. My body was failing even when I have assured myself I can do what I was placed to do. For a week now I have failed to concentrate because my eyes are suspiciously lacking in blood supply. I hate to stop my split meals diet because of that (pity, I lost 2 kilos in the first 4 days already). My skin has been dry due to the pressure. My eyes are blurred after reading for 2 hours. I knew I needed rest naps cannot provide me.

I know dad really loves me. Yet I fail to have any energy or courage to talk or say this is difficult.

I choose not to disclose my flat issue, I know every flat has some sort of drama. The most irritating facet of it all is that I'm trapped in the middle when I am blameless. Yesterday I made my point, though I made sure I was level headed, I couldn't help but raised my voice.

And. Things changed. Now this flat has a sense of control. No more doors banging on purpose. Or high frequency shrieking. No more inter room loudness competition. It was as if no one is here when there is. Perfect. As an introvert this is what i need, I realised hours later.

My sense of tiredness was further worsen by the fact that I have been pushed out of my social comfort zone without my recharging, it's a need to feel completely alone with my thoughts. Although I didn't do much studies, I very well acknowledge that I had some better rest. My eyeslids are now redder. I can stay awake longer now. And I know I speak authority.

Today I took out my sketchbook to draw. At first I rubbed off what I call a mess on the page. Pencils tend to leave marks like it or not. As I draw out a Michael silhouette it just seems to me that I have forgotten how to draw, UGLY UGLY UGLY!

Then a stroke, then a rub, then add some shades, draw on with charcoal, accidental stroke, turn it into music notes.

What do you think?

I guess no one ever knows how everything will turn out in the end, even when things seem unappealing, you can always add some strokes in or some shading to cover up. What seemingly unpleasant may be your best artwork yet.

Complete me on Your piece of parchment dear Father.

2009-07-31T03:43:00.003+08:00

In Your majesty by Your sovereignty,
At this moment of fear, I surrender.

Where there seems to be no way out, God You're my only hope now.

Phenomenal

2009-07-20T05:49:00.008+08:00

It's been a week since my London weekend, I might as well write it down now or let it be forgotten. I returned from Edinburgh yesterday with new cuts and bruises bound to hurt when I wake up the next morning, which, they still do now. It was a week long thought to finally write out my twentieth, described only by the word: Phenomenal.

The night before was spent jumping around with the aftermath of the catastrophic Pharmacy Practice class test. Dinner at Rumours was ... expensive. Its not like I enjoy western food over eastern, but because we are in a foreign land, it only makes sense that what is foreign to us is cheaper. The Nasi Lemak was great just so you know, could use some more chilli for a kick.

As usual, my insomnia is an annoyance especially at a time when I need to wake up early. Though I must say, 3 hours of sleep is fair enough. I went to the airport and got to the gate just in time to board. And...

"Attention passengers boarding Flight EZY099 to London Luton, we are currently facing Cabin Crew Shortage. We are sorry to inform you that the flight has been delayed for 3 hours."

Grumble...
Mumble......
Gurgle............
Hiss..................

SillyEasyJetgotmewakingupsoearlyfornothingnowmyschedulehasgonehaywireIcan'thavedimsum!

I had a shortnap and some time to have a good read, something I wish I have more time for since Taylor's. I reached London with only two hours to showtime. Dad seemed to have forgotten it's my birthday when I mention I'm in London. Of course he won't admit he has forgotten when he messaged that tacky Happy Birthday 10 hours later. It was my first time alone at London Luton, hence I have a few embarassing moments asking for directions to Lyceum Theatre. Plus several lines of the underground is closed so getting around London became fatiguing. Aye Carumba!

I reached Holborn and waited for Edwina, paranoid. I phoned a few times in vain. "Hi, this is Edwina! Leave me a message! beeep". Hey somebody could have been kidnapped here. I saw Ed and with the combination of every confusion possible my own memory of confusions we started dashing for the theatre. It was raining. I was confused. I haven't eaten since 4am. I had only 3 hours of sleep. I was wearing worn out slippers. Hence... Bang!

For a split moment I couldn't remember why I was on the ground with aching knees. Ed dragged my luggie and we continued walking to the Theatre, reaching at a minute before showtime just nice for a toilet break. We had the boxed seats, which paid for the pain coming here, not to mention six years worth of savings for a viewing of "The Lion King" the broadway.

The show was most elegant. It has more originality than any broadway I know. Don't believe me than go bug Edwina for some of the exclusive photos she secretly took while inside. Extraordinary performance, including an exclusive performance right from inside the box I'm sitting. Ahem :)

After checking in the Malaysian halls, it's to the O2 Arena, where Michael Jackson was supposed to perform, sigh, right now. It was a short couple of hours wondering in my thoughts rather than "doing something actually".

I didn't get any flowers or left any soft toys like the other fans did. Though what I had was a living God and prayers. So on my birthday this year covers my Childhood, my two favourite things as a six year old: The Lion King and Michael Jackson. So on my twentieth night I have chose to do nothing but spend time being "close enough" to where the singer might stand. In my mind it was a wonder that he lived to fifty, his passing nonetheless still left me dumbfounded.

Some of his tunes keep ringing in my head.

"Hey pretty baby with the high heels on, you give me fever like I've never ever known..."

I spent the last half an hour ranting to Ed about my the state of my house. Then seemingly lay down grumbling. In my mind I was thinking of the tragic personal life that MJ lived, a victim of extortion and misunderstanding, an agony I can comprehend. What about the kids? Would it be crazy if I tell the world that I'm willing to reach that far in prayers, in faith and action?

Hillsong service was held at Dominion Theatre, 2 theatres conquered in 24 hours, awesome. Thw worship made me miss the energy that was at Eaglepoint. Oh how I would have given more time have my being stired so much by the Holy Spirit that all my emotions are intensified with such honesty before a Holy God. Maybe to me, that's euphoria and drunkedness with the Holy Spirit. No pride or complexities but passion and enthusiasm just giving up ourselves and let God be God.

Since I missed dim sum because of the delay by Easy Jet, *imaginary whacking at Easy Jet logo*, Edwina brought me to Leicester Square to twirl around China Town. Lohmaigai, Siewmai, Chaleong, Salad Prawn, Siulongbao, yum yum yum yum. I've never craved for dimsum before.

Alas, Ed has booked her ticket back to notts early. So that leaves me with seven hours till my flight, might as well walk and shop. Alright instincts don't fail me now. It never. And I find myself on the same road where Les Mis is showing. I know where I'm taking the tube to next break. What made me gasp of course was:

I have randomly walked myself to Lyric Theatre. :) Fabulous. It was 2.46, naturally I would have thought there won't be a show on Sunday or I have missed the 2pm show since it seemed so quiet inside. Though I entered and the ticket counter was open and the next show's 3.30pm.

" 'scuse me."

"Yes dear?"

"Could you tell me how long is the show going to be?"

"2 hours and 40 minutes. Tell you what, I can get you this seat at K11, right there in the middle. "

"Hmm, I have a flight at nine. Should I.."

"The show ends at 10 pass 6, " and he winks.

I did some shopping for my housemates, a sequined sholder bag with LONDON written all over for Siow Yen who brought only a backpack, a mini mini handbag for Kah Yee who always put her wallet in our bags, and for Michelle, the most useful, the undergound map of London, on a piece of thong. Along the way I was squashed by big muscles, two of them. For that day only, I'm an American Chinese. I'll spare the details, the small talks I rather not remember. A good start to a new decade though ;)

Thriller live was produced by Adrian Grant to bring just some of the magic by the legendary performer Michael Jackson.

"If you have seen Michael Jackson in concert then you will know that he is one of the world's greatest showman." Adran Grant.

Of course I have never had that chance to actually see him in a concert, still I can safely say even his shadow in the videos never fail to entice me. Even his videos were more entertaining than live performances. Nevertheless, Thriller Live was a music wonder sensation. Definitely worth seconds, believe me. Kieran Alleyne had this really awesome voice that I personally thought was more powerful than the young Michael's voice. He was a great singer, but his eyes poking here and there makes me realise what talent Michael has at 11, to be able to show expression and passion of someone who has had enough heartbreaks for fill a song. It took 5 singers for a musical medley of one man, all distintive voices, making it clear that Michael is the undisputed King of Pop, Rock and Soul.

Obviously I enjoyed myself, especially when they FINALLY performed Billie Jean. The crowd went W-I-L-D at the moonwalk. Everybody seem to have learned that move since 1984, how come nobody did one of Michael's signature spins? Ahh.. All in all, it was unforgettable.

I took a train to Stansted and reach the gate just in time for boarding and reached Glasgow for the last train back to city centre.

And there you have it, the birthday of the decade. The one birthday to beat for musical sensation. I accomplished more than I wish for in 2 days, and with the tight schedule the 3 hour delay caused me, not a minute was wasted.

That is why this is amazing, astonishing, marvelous, exceptional, incredible, unbelievable, wonderful, fantastic, sensational... wait for it.... Phenomenal

Thank you Ed, and to the people living all their lives waiting in the wing, start living. Goodnight!

The Thief at the Cross

2009-07-08T07:23:00.002+08:00

The sky is dark. A rarity for me to witness now at summer. Black black clouds roaming around. And from the edges I see white reflections. No matter how large the black clouds try, they can never consume the light radiated by the moon. When there is light, the darkness acknowledges its presence. Its beauty undeniable. But why do we have darkness in the first place?

Well, for one, only in darkness will we appreciate the fair luminous light.

The surprise this evening was sweet despite being predictable. Forgive me if I seem to be ungrateful because I am. Perhaps it is just a difficult time for me to express my other emotions.

"You liked Michael Jackson?
But you know he is not very moral?
And what if those accusations are true?"

I have a confession to make, which is unsurprising now. I used to be the biggest fan of Michael Jackson. As I have mentioned earlier I hated music before listening to the sheer genius of HIStory in 1995. Even as a child queer things always intrigue me. It wasn't "fresh", but just full of that sumthin' I couldn't put words into as a 6 year old.

After a few years I listen to no music, I grew up with classmates drooling over Westlife. Then they'd ask if I listen to anything. No, answered the annoyed kid several times. Of course I did come to accept new sounds from the Backstreet Boys, nothing could give me the same pleasure like my first time listening to MJ.

His comeback in 2001 got me all smilling and i had to dig out my pocket money for his CD, no Twoooo. They had this limited edition covers 4 colours. With the internet I had access to his biography and videos. A child who only knew the singer by his songs became the teenager bewildered by the dancer that is Michael Jackson. For facts only, I didn't understand "child abuse" when I was reading his biography at that time.

There was always something different about MJ that mystifies me. His irreplacable voice, "The grace, the aggression, the growling, the natural boyishness, the falsetto, the smoothness—that combination of elements mark him as a major vocalist" as Nelson George sums it. His moves, though rivaled by his brother Marlon and many dancers, were original, his pictures seem to look good anytime when he dances. I cried the other day watching the youtube video, and it wasn't even his song on, even his dancing silhouette was recognisable. Beautiful. His passion, a word i know only years later, was one thing that showed me not to do anything half heartedly.

But no 13 year olds listen to a star passed his prime. I was constantly teased for listening to MJ. Eventually, I somehow was obliged to not listen to MJ out of peer pressure. No one beyond college had the slightest clue that I used to be an MJ fan. Ruins the "effortlessly cool" image that was important to me then.

I didn't stay naive forever. His accusations definitely got me questioning. It was the news in 2003 that dissapointed me. I wasn't crushed though, I was obliged to listen to him due to my friends anyway. But one thing I need to put across though, is how much we believed in the press. He's a mega superstar, it is unfair already that every single detail of his private life is on the frontpage. If a reporter says he is an alien from mars who eats live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight, we believe it. If he says he is an alien from mars who eats live chickens and does a voodoo dance at midnight, we'll say he's nuts, Wacko Jacko. We just love hearing the bits of gossip and rumours, what more if money is involved? The man lived as an adult at 5 performing with the jackson 5, and as an adult he wanted to be a child like Peter Pan. I understand the pain and misery of being misunderstood. Even now I have to sweep away false accusations. Rumours happen. Do you really think I'm lesbian just because I stare when you smile? What makes you think I was staring at you instead of lost for words you self absobed prima donna?!? *gah*

But what if the press was true? What if there really were at least 10 boys he has molested? I'm not stupid you know. Sometimes I do tend to be slow to speak but I am not blinded by a childhood idolatry. I read newspapers with revolting details I didn't dare to continue reading. I do wish it isn't true, I will never know. I don't need to. His actions and crashing mentality does somewhat represent him as a pedophile. How dare you? How could you? Worst part is I can't bring myself to hate you.

You say he isn't moral, may I ask at which level are you asking? All eyes focus on one megastar when he falls from grace, but how do we act within our private lives? In God's eyes there isn't one sin more sinful than the other, but he'd rather us know how sinful sin really is. We can't point the speck of dust in the other's eyes when we have a log in our own. Additionally all these measurings of how bad this sin and that sin is, God made it simple by saying hate the sin and love the sinner.

Michael Jackson has lived an undeniably tragic personal life. With mistreatment at a very young age along with the pressure of superstardom. Jermaine Jackson once said had they know the price of fame they , especially Michael, had to pay, they would have just stayed back in Gary, Indiana happier. It was actually a wonder he lived to fifty with everything thrown at him. One of the reasons why I couldnt judge him was that i could strangely relate to his unfortunate personal fate. I can't guarantee I won't go crazy with all these presure.

I feel a sense of remorse that i have backed away from the man i once admired, if only i have prayed for him while he was alive. There were reports of him accepting Christ weeks before,
though the real story was that Jackson did sang with his friend who was a Christian, "It's not long till we're leaving here" or something as if he knew he's going, and he asked for the prayer of annointing with the Holy Spirit. The friend did talk to MJ about Jesus and he was receptive.

Whether or not Michael Jackson accepted Christ was between Him and God. I see a man who wanted forgiveness from someone, guilty or not I felt he needed it. I'd really hope that he the man who has had enough trials for 5 decades would finally have the press to leave him alone. . "There wasn't nothing strange about your daddy," Rev Sharpton said, addressing Jackson's three children. "It was strange what your daddy had to deal with!"

Which thief were you at the cross?
I dunno where you are Michael, but if the world isn't willing, I forgive you at least.
I didn't love the TV personality, I loved the person. And I know Jesus loves you even more.

Stranger in Glasgow

2009-06-29T04:24:00.003+08:00

I was wandering in the rain
Mask of life, feelin' insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seem far away
Kremlin's shadow belittlin' me
Stalin's tomb won't let me be
On and on and on it came
Wish the rain would just let me

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside**

Buchanan Street seemed to be the Midvalley back home, or rather, the street in Perth I used to shop at. Finding my way around has never been a fatiguing task. So taking this longer path back from church was great for me to reflect on things on my own.

The steps I took were heavy, my heart was heavy, it knows it has to move on. Nobody outside High School know I used to be a fan of Michael Jackson. At 5 I refused to listen to any music, I despise how sound is able to irritate my ears. Then I heard Michael, it was different. It wasn't long before I decided HIStory was worth listening to the second time around.

He wasn't just an icon, he was an ARTist, and I use that word selectively. Till now I am not fond of hits, but of masterpieces and bold compositions that made a change forever.

Michael Jackson was a big part of my memory. My heavy steps right now are accompanied by his (now officially) legendary Billie Jean passing by the record stores and restaurants paying tribute to the King of Pop. Those who study in the biology field would know that sound has a good connection with memory. My favourite song at 6 was "The way you make me feel", 7 got edgier with "Scream", at 12 I liked "Remember the time" best.

MJ as a singer and dancer was sheer ingenious enough. I grew to find my own sound, lo and behold, I'm a rockstar in hiding who actually enjoyed Points of Authority by Linkin Park, I hate you Yon Gene. Jackson became the wacko jacko everyone critisizes while I nod, yet secretly I still think he is irreplacable.

Weeks ago I kinda shrieked at dad when I found out that he threw away the CD cover for my beloved History album that took an allowance of a 13 year old. "It's worth a fortune one day!"

I wished I never said that, it's like I knew he is going to pass.

Sometimes it takes a loss of something to be honest with oneself. Even with molestation charges I still believe what he had done would shadow even the few presidents of America. Who are we to judge honestly?

I'd be glad if I could go to his final concert. Even for memories sake. Missed.... I will never have his autograph. I'd asked God if I can ever meet the artist He made. Raised as a Jehovah's Witness and rumoured to have been converted to Islam, I can't say I know. He's now only an icon, but to me, the one who bewildered me with a passion to never do anything half heartedly.

I lay my fedora down. There is only One that can promise me forever.

**Stranger in Moscow-Michael Jackson.

To someone dear,

2009-06-20T01:03:00.003+08:00

Even with unpredictable weathers, there's always something to look forward to.

Need I say more?

I'll just pretend to hug you until you are here.

Absolutely Gorgeous

2009-06-18T06:03:00.010+08:00

Look what I found from Amazon. I wouldn't have liked it so much if I have never missed it. This the very first thing dad gave me that made me feel like I get considerable attention, when all the time mom and dad were having court cases over the custody of my sister. Maybe 16 years later when things aren't usually straightforward, I can view myself as unwanted because I seem to be the last choice of my parents, I can see Simba as a bribe.

Yet because it happened 16 years ago, it doesn't matter. Life can be a biatch to anyone, just whether or not we choose to deal with it.

As a grown girl I must say some part of me will never grow up. I have my difficult childhood to blame so sue me. But in every childhood there is something worth cherishing. Well, at least for that short time when I first moved in with dad, I have my beloved talking Simba, a roaring grown Simba, a fat Pumbaa and several other Lion King toys.

These are magnetic. So they obviously kiss when near each other, it's at home somewhere.

I remember seeing this Nala everywhere at that time but never owned one.

Behind this Simba's head where you can slide your hands into his mouth like a puppet, makes roaring sounds. Dad must have gave him away to some random patients.
And my favourite, the talking plush. I lost it before I turn 7. :''( I want him back.

Stupid Insomnia

2009-06-08T04:19:00.002+08:00

Why do I have this worst case of light sleeper syndrome?

Annoying, it always is. Especially when you wake up after 2 hours of sleep when you have spent 2 already trying to fall asleep. That's one reason why I can't have roommates, or even dads sleep in the room connecting, start prancing around the room and I'm awake.

Might as well word out my grumbling here.

Good news, I have finally been reunited with an old friend that used to consume half of my day every day. The good ol' mp3 player. Thanks dad, I'll spare your snoring today. Quite frankly I miss the feeling of having music blasted into my ears. Maybe not like how I use my ipod, listening to my earphones during lectures is a big no no.

That was who I am. A teenager completely obsessed with every tunes and lyrics put in my head. It's nearly like I live in the music. Listening to mp3s today brought me back to the time when i put a part of myself in every song I used to love. Memories flashed.

It has been so long.

After 2 years plus at uni, I'm glad. I really only need half a chance, a second thought, another glance and I'll prove I got whatever it takes. :) I stand out and proud of it.

Now to solve my sleeping problems. Gah dad is snoring again. My heart rate's currently too fast to be at rest. Maybe I should pray. Meanwhile, here's what's playing in my mp3 that really speaks me.

"The Reason" by Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

and the reason is You [x3]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

Rest

2009-05-30T03:03:00.002+08:00

I fold my arms on the table

In submission I lay my head on top.

Burying my face in between my limbs

I am now completely helpless.

This posture I have missed since high school days.

When school hasn't given much freedom

or the comfort of choosing my own time.

The clock keeps ticking

with no time for me to sleep.

The world will start busying in a few hours.

For now, let me rest...

Taking over me by Evanescence

2009-05-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

you don't remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do...

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

have you forgotten all i know
and all we had?
you saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
i knew you loved me then

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

i look in the mirror and see your face
if i look deep enough
so many things inside that are just like you are taking over

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

i believe in you
i'll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you're taking over me

Taking over me
Your Taking Over Me
Taking over me
Taking over me

Sick..

2009-05-20T16:43:00.002+08:00

I am disturbed. I can't even express the disgust that I have from reading a few articles at Facebook. To make things worse, my mind tends to wander off at something disgusting. That now I have a series of the most disgusting things I have heard of.

What I read in Facebook was an article asking for advice, from a 12 year old who had tied and abused a 13 year old girl. The bruised details were unsettling. Which ironically aroused the 12 year old, the rest of the story, I couldn't bear to read on.

The other day I heard something about pictures spreading across emails of restaurants boiling fetal soup. The pictures I found online were nauseating, with each word I read making me more faint. This can't be true, it mustn't.

God said "What do you mean you can't be good? I made you good..."

The bear with no name.

2009-05-17T04:44:00.002+08:00

They say that once you give something a name, you'll be attached to it.

But he has none.

I came back at a time nearing 5 am, and all I wanted and needed was to clutch the grey bear that used to be white. One of the secrets I hide behind my room is the time I spend holding something lifeless for hours. And only one particular plush.

It's not that I don't favor my other plush gifts. It's not that they have fur of inferior standard. It's not because they're not from my sister.

I remember when i first got the bear. Sugar as Hallmark's branded him, was white and leering at me from the windows. It was a reject shop, yet perfect to me. Having him as a gift was a great joy. And he flew back from Australia with me.

And ever since, we're inseparable. I held onto him after two complete failures. I needed him to guard my sleep. I bring him anywhere I travel. I wept on him, constantly. I have had him eversince I wore only T-shirt and jeans, and cried on him with my first dress after prom. I hugged him tight while making a decision for Christ.

If he can talk he will probably complain how life with me used to stain him with my tears. And he'll tell you, I'm a big girl now. Sometimes people may say I am too old for a plush and I will stay away, successfully for a few months, till I realise I needed more comfort than most people.

And if you ever spot me with my face buried on the shoulders of Mr No Name, let me be. Don't ask me what is wrong. Don't even let me know you're there. It's not because of depression or any of the negative withdrawal factors. It's my time alone, and I need it. That time, the only other presence allowed is of God's.

It's hard for anyone to understand to know I need to be alone to recharge. I don't hate people yet I honestly find them tiring. I need it, I cant emphasize enough! Because that time, my world becomes a lot slower while the world keeps on wandering wildly.

For now, I need comfort and strength from God knowing I had to do what is right. What is right apparently will break my heart more than what my accuser will ever understand.

But I am a big girl now.

I'm a big girl now.

Bear with no name,

let me seek comfort

from God through you.

And let tomorrow

worry for itself.

For now, my world has

silent down.

Not a sound nor a movement.

Only a heartbeat, a gentle whisper.

Just stay still, you always say.

I have always loved you,

as promised from God.

Have faith, be strong.

¹³ Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. ¹⁴ Let all that you do be done with love.

(1 Corinthians 16 :13-14)

I know what to do now.

2009-05-12T00:13:00.005+08:00

"So take me as I am

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again. "

While Malaysia lack the four seasons around the globe, I have my fair share of contrasting seasonal outbreaks. Things may have seemed to be taken control of, at the surface, at least. Despite that, life seemed to have been drained out of me. That I am aware the every second I breathe decays my mortal body. Rushing to "complete" my dwelling here, I had a deep urge to just rest. The more I take a break, the more I feel like eternity is too far away.

Then I realise, my job here isn't done.

Not in this state.

It wasn't the lack of God's word. Nor doing badly in exams, praise Jesus! It wasn't anxiety as I have seemed to have learned to face things head on. Somehow eternity with a Saviour became mundane, no way can I accept that. In addition, I figure my lifegroup feels the same way.

It's refreshing when somebody "takes action" to move on from this plateau phase. Even so, the clock seems to be ticking faster with mundane turning lifeless. Which in my opinion, robs the purpose of a lifegroup.

No doubt, something was missing. There was not escaping from my deep thoughts behind the calmness And no matter which perspective I try to look from, I cannot deny something else needed to be done. Rather, I have chose ignorance mostly due to my experience of opinions shove aside without understanding.

I had a two hours conversation inside the car. It was out of randomness, for I used to do that with lifegroup members last year. There was no pretense. No formality. Nothing that "we need to talk about". I knew I found the missing link. Because at that time, two siblings prayed. I knew for sure, there wasn't any word play. There were praying hearts, not praying words.

This is when I can't stay silent.

Previously the chief complaint was that we have lost fire and the management plan was to focus outwards to fuel up. To be honest, when we focus outwards, we have neglected what is inside. The more we try to move out, the more disconnected we are inwardly.

(+2)+(-4)=-2

We have not just lost the flame, but we have lost the life that God breathe into us. Intercession for the unsaved, without a doubt, is crucial for revival. I have been searching for reasons why there were just so many times when we fail to have a praying heart. Truth is, we don't connect and it's hard to really agree and understand what someone is praying for when we are so detached. It's simple, how can the body of Christ take a leap forward, when the left leg isn't joined to the abdomen, without a head??

Right now, I can barely tell the difference between lifegroup and a Amway meeting.

My desire now is not to keep my lifegroup surviving, but to live. We need both intercession and importantly connection, a constant heart to heart talk in a cosy environment. I know it's crazy, we have to balance both working in and out but God is able. We don't live in paradise where everyone is happy and life is perfect. I will pray for God, in His ways, to bring back that life. Even in a battle field, we can keep moving. When one in despair, we cry together. In desperation, we call out to God. In victory, we acknowledge the power of the Lord and give Him the highest praise. Till the day we end our lives here, only rejoicing.

"Saviour, He can move the mountains.

My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save.

Forever, author of salvation.

He rose and conquer the grave

Jesus conquer the grave. "

We are not five heroes, we are one team.

-adapted from Teen Titans.

The lioness purrs.

2009-05-06T02:08:00.003+08:00

Currently, I have a thousand reasons to be sad. There is a phase that I am going through, confusing thoughts cloud my mind as I encounter new things. I had a heartbreaking encounter, one maybe I will tell you when the time is right. My planemate apparently only appreciates me enough to use dad's credit card. I have wasted precious time in Kuala Lumpur rather than home. And at the moment, I'm unsure of how I am to work out my visas with a faulty visa offer letter.

But, I'm not sad. Perhaps disappointed, but nothing I can't handle head on. With one swift pounce I will devour all those uninvited nuisance like mere appetizers.

You know what I love about the queen of beasts? They are strong, beautiful and powerful cats, yet gentle and especially affectionate with the cubs, either theirs or those of other lionesses. Next time schedule in some time to look at wildlife pictures when distressed. If you'd just look at how the lioness gently carries the cubs, you'd see what I mean. Those jaws and teeth break necks effortlessly.

I have enjoyed having the company of cubs for some time now, even when they manage to climb up my head sometimes. I probably feel unappreciated and forgotten constantly because what I do just isn't glamorous. Not that pretty, not that smart, not a singer, not outspoken, not a part of the team. But I have come to live out on my own, as a lioness who loves, protects and soothes.

I have been proven wrong, when I receive considerable attention from the cubbies. They may not, however, speak my language. Oh but I don't care. These are the moments worth remembering. Special delivery for me? A gold box with stars. Purple star earrings.

You shouldn't have.

But you did :)

And the lioness purred through the star-stilled Assyrian night, feeling your hearts beat by her side.

Heart of a five year old

2009-05-04T00:06:00.002+08:00

Do you remember the times when things were a lot simpler?

When you like something you'd ask for it, or push it away in dismay.

Life was so much less complicated with people you either like or not, no complicated classification of romantic, platonic, professional. . . Too complex for me.

No matter how silly it may be, today I have felt it, after a long time.

That feeling of having only a single emotion per time.

Happy is happy. No buts, no conditions and no regrets of what I'm doing next in gratitude.

Life can be very sweet. :)

This Episode

2009-04-22T11:00:00.002+08:00

I'm at a phase where I really do not want to talk. Nothing new, yet I would rather warn you before anyone tries to catch my attention. Nobody wants to stir up my former slogan "I'm easily annoyed and ill tempered. So you better not provoke me." to life.

I have come to accept that no one can really understand me and live with it, then again, it gets irritating "I miss your chatty self". When in fact, I won't start chatting unless I feel there's an importance to it.

But enough of I'm-just-another-introvert-let-me-be vociferation, at this moment and time, I feel vulnerable and mostly confused. Some things over the weekend made me ponder. Have you ever looked into the "enemy" and can boldly say you can love them? Fortunately, I can, which is unfortunate to some extent.

While missionary is like a long dream that I am willing to go for. I wouldn't have thought of how personal this love for a different set of people would get. It's glorious, at the same time, heart breaking as each and everyone of those souls strive to live with their sets of beliefs and laws to never encounter the grace of the one true God.

A dear friend prayed for me a year ago "Lord, when you call, and all others keep silent, she will answer."

I need my time alone in this episode.

300 kilometres for a doctor.

2009-04-08T20:22:00.002+08:00

Hilarious...

Though honestly dad is the best GP I know, ask Alor Star. (If you're lucky you might even randomly picked anyone that can write out my Chinese name)

I have had the worst fever since 2006, and that one only lasted only one night. for 3 mornings I wake up freezing, I can hardly walk without feeling jabs in my pelvis, femur, tibia, fibula...

Dad has a thing about me going to other doctors, somehow he feels ... underrated? So he has made me to travel home even if i have to drag myself on board. My first time on Firefly was rather pleasant, except for the baby cry.

Of course, dad prescribed large dosages and the usual co-amoxiclav as precaution. Dang I still have trouble swallowing big Augmentine. Gulp. AGAIN. Gulp. AGAIN. Gulp.

Home had been smoother so far. Though I really am unsure of the future, I am starting to accept where dad is sending me off after Mpharm. I was young then.

The shock happen this evening during shower. Red spots started appearing here and there on my arms. None of my allergies could add up to this itch. Allergic reaction to weird tasting soy sauce? Dengue? Chikungunya? I'm dying???

I rushed to dad's after his patient left. DAD DAD DAD DAD, antihistamines or something. I thought he would be of all people be very worried. He remained calm, this is the field he's in, and confidently sat me down, check my hands, back, leg then poke around the neck.

The R word.

WHAT?!?! Of all things? It could be anything he says, because my fever was too long, nonetheless its not dengue or chikungunya, the spots itch. Then again the symptoms match, joint pains, headache, conjunctivitis, but it could be anyt- OUCH! Dad found the swollen lymph, that comfirms it. Dad assured its harmless, then again i began sulking and refused to eat. Lousy vaccines only work on 4 percent of the people and we unlucky peeps get the virus wrong place wrong time. Grumble grumble grumble grumble. Why wouldn't I? I'm hideous.

Earlier dad dragged me out to his office again. So, another patient got it too. HA! Stupid vaccine!!! Least I started munching away.

4 days. It better be. I would have appreciate it if you readers do not spread it out, things usually sound different from the second person. No offence, I dont want any innocent incidence that prevents me from next week's hospital attachment. Do keep me in prayer because I don't have more than 4 days.

Calamine smells bad!

Fever

2009-04-06T01:28:00.001+08:00

Always bring a jacket when entering Cinema, especially after an hour of violent Air Hockey.

Baby- A Love I cannot have.

2009-03-30T03:40:00.002+08:00

A Psalm of David

2009-03-25T14:18:00.001+08:00

¹ The LORD is my shepherd;
         I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
         He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
         He leads me in the paths of righteousness
         For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
         I will fear no evil;
         For You are with me;
         Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
         You anoint my head with oil;
         My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
         All the days of my life;
         And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
         Forever.

Frequency Shriek

2009-03-23T18:40:00.002+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to studies.

In Loving Hands

2009-03-22T00:12:00.002+08:00

While watching "How Great is our God" can be mind boggling, my favourite part comes when Louie shared the word of God. Here goes.

" But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love to deliver him from death, and to keep them alive in famine. "

And that is a promise tonight, because this building and our world is filled with hurting people, with lives that are spinning out of control, with pain we didn't ask for or could ever imagine, and God is making a promise to us tonight; that I am a universe maker, and I am a heart former, but I'm also big enough to be intimately acquainted with all the circumstances of every one of your lives and I promise you,

No matter what comes in this lifetime

No matter how difficult the road

Or how dark the night

I will hold on to you

And I will literally

Hold you together and carry you through

Any and every circumstance that ever comes your way, any moment on this planet.

Adapted from "How Great is our God" clip.

P/S, I love my phone.

两天打鱼，三天晒网

2009-03-19T18:13:00.002+08:00

Go out to the water and fish for two days, get back and dry the nets for three.

I wonder if everyone else feels the same. Or do they have these jet lag like symptoms after studying; nausea, giddiness, diarrhea, pyrexia, tiredness?

While the good news is that I have covered mostly everything, I have no guarantees of my performance next week. It is, after all, end of semester degree exam five.

Now don't get me wrong here, I am perfectly calm knowing that worrying can't help. Just that the mere act of reading words and words make me sick to the stomach. I scrolled down my important emails just to scan, nothing. 走马看花

I know it when I am saturated. Nevertheless I find it ludicrous that I can be so tired waking up after last nights study. Just woke up. Suppose to be fresh. Not yawn. Then take a rest. But it's not working. Argh!

Move over, BOY!

2009-03-19T14:59:00.002+08:00

;)

Sense Me

2009-03-12T04:24:00.002+08:00

Random lyrics that I love. :) How I feel is no drama.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Choose the present moment when our hearts throb faster
Go forward towards the end of time

I murmured in the night of one empty sky after another
The words which said “See you tomorrow”
They are like the sun which shines and illuminates the surroundings
I’m scorched by its strength and eternity

If there is one thing to be left behind
It would be this instantaneous smile which held on to existence
If there is only one thing to be protected, it would be your future

In an instant, choose this world which shakes and tremors
I’ve always soared above the land of fate
I’m secretly hiding the flame which has lit in my heart
I will give my present and future to you

Your narrowed eyes came into my mind first
The endlessly spreading sky
I saw the illusion of you who have found wings on your back
Going far off into the distance

Every time you dressed up coldly
Something is being crushed by a thick sound
Be sure to come across
Every lit up color

I will choose you and the present in which both cannot be replaced
You’ve always worn a rainbow at night
The strength which is certainly there will change into time
I will cross the sky and sea

Choose the present moment when our hearts throb faster
I’m sure we can live for fate
Someday, the disappearing flame will change into wishes
I will give my dreams and future to you…
Across the sky, the sea…

Without phone

2009-03-11T01:44:00.003+08:00

I probably shouldn't have said I'm-going-to-let-my-phone-rest, because 2 hours later, it decided that it could no longer provide the service I need, and went blank.

It was a good thing I'm not all reliant on technology. One experience is enough. Paper and pen thank you. I'm glad to have kept my old planner and transportation records. Long lists of contacts there. Too bad some of my contacts are impossible to retrieve, some divine appointments, all gone.

3 years of info and messages gone, like flick. The heartbreak this second time around is rather easier to get over with. Nonetheless, making or receiving a phone call becomes a pain with my spare phone hardly working. What? What did you say?!?!?

I read the messages stored in this phone. Again I'm moved by the memory. There was a short time in IMU before life group when I was crying every few minutes following a heartbreak. I had a friend whom texted me "Why make your loved ones worry? U still have people who care for u, and u love them too. For their sake and urs, can't you just live happier? there's hope!"

He used "loved ones".

For a kaku all manly man guy to say that, erm I would say that's kinda priceless.

Growing up in IMU with grace at every turn, sometimes the littlest miracles in life are forgotten. Once we start writing them down, God's blessings just got a lot more promising.... like the number of stars.

Well, you might have to go somewhere dark and probably not somewhere as moist as Malaysia. Then maybe you'll be overwhelmed by the number of stars that makes you feel like dust in a snowglobe of glitter.

Oh well, at least I'll get my dream phone sooner. Yay!

Two Forty A.M.

2009-03-08T02:46:00.002+08:00

I can't sleep. It's been 2 hours rolling on the bed and the mattress on the floor. Might as well get up and do something, like blogging. Oh my poor squashed ribs. If I still can't fall asleep, then I'll just read a book lent by a dear dear friend of mine. Awww...

It isn't the title of the book that wowed me. But an act of offering someone your new book. It makes me all warm inside to think that someone thought of me. What makes me feel awkward is that I am a clumsy and messy person that has problems keeping something... Crisp. I better alcohol my hands and wear a mask before turning the first page. Probably keep it next to my prized graphic novel and CD collection.

Stress has never been so much more real than this. I've just grown a lot calmer over the past 3 months. Life is hard. Deal with it. Yet in the midst of everything anyone can still find time to appreciate the simplest of things. A friendly act, a smile, a cookie, your birthday gifts, and everything else that makes you all bubbly inside.

Life can be sweet.

Realness

2009-03-02T22:18:00.002+08:00

Have I ever told you I was never made for studying? I don't have to. My actions justify the kind of student I am. Yet the reality is that whatever I aspire to be needs a lot of studying, with that come discipline.

Reality is very, well, real. It isn't easy accepting things the way they are, but we know we have to. It is a choice. You can whine. You can complain. You can choose to flee if you can. Or you can take directive actions following a circumstance.

So let's just kick our own butts and hit the books shall we?

There is a saying that "nothing comes free". Still, I choose not to believe that. Because I have experienced acts of kindness. Kindness, in my opinion, comes free. For if there is something to be taken back from an act of service to another, that isn't kindness to me.

Which leads us to service. There are times when I told people I hate religiousness and completely against the idea of "I'm not as holy as the other person". Holiness means set apart. A man's holiness, shouldn't be measured. Like a pound of righteousness is equal to three sickles of generosity. At times I feel like I have lost purpose in the things that I do, and what I do becomes less "Christian" and more practical.

Though I have convinced myself I do not need compare how "Christian" my life is. But what is right. Because it is a personal conviction that what is right should be fused with what is Christlike. Doing what is right has never been more real when the word of God has been applied.

I wish to remind many of the important role they play. In church, nonetheless , more importantly in everyday life. We have been chosen firstly by God and not the other way round. There is a purpose that we carry that we should take pride in, not as a burden. While we will inherit treasures in heaven, it is no use trying to play priest. Because Jesus didn't come to preach perfection, but the love of God that motivates us to love what He loves. Righteousness. Love. Kindness.

An act should be free, at the very least, to the receiver.

Because in the end, we don't really want to hear "Wow, awesome event" as much as we want to say "Welcome to the family"

Third Year

2009-02-26T23:38:00.002+08:00

On February 26th, 2007.

"Excuse me, are you from pharmacy?" asked the tiny eyed young woman as she tries to find the way to the multipurpose hall. Her shirt was ravishingly tidy complemented by the usage of proper English. Of course, you'd expect someone like me to spot the accent right away and continued the conversation in Mandarin.

That was my first day stepping into the lecture halls of IMU. On the fifth day I have already concluded that IMU isn't where I belong.

Two full years have passed since that day, and on the 26th February 2009, I have attended and completed 5 semesters worth of lectures.

Third year, third resolution, third planner, third time catching Ugly Betty every Tuesday night. Now it really feels like the third year, and yet, I have completed my first half of the year by now.

It is now that I have abandoned the title, mediator. Owing to the fact that I am no longer the same person two years ago, I now am ready to be called senior. I would be lying to say I am not afraid of what's next. Nonetheless, over the months God has been ever faithful to me that I know He has a place for me in the near future.

So as High School Musical puts it, this is the last chance to get it right, this is the last game to make it count. It's now or never.

Soooo Handsome

2009-02-26T00:00:00.005+08:00

Why do I have a soft spot for Spanish or Italian descendants?

I'm biting my lip now it's ridiculous.

Time for bed, long looong day awaits.

They Don't Understand.

2009-02-22T03:31:00.002+08:00

Writing isn't something within my expertise. In fact, I scored lowest for linguistics during my IQ test, ~~with the language score of 90.1 percent~~. Though I find writing rather enjoyable, it gives me time to rephrase my own words in a way more understandable. Usually the words just jumble up in my mind, which makes it hard for me to communicate. I don't really like words.

People that have known me long enough fail to answer my favourite past time. No, it's not baking. The other day a dear person surprised me by asking me if I brought my sketchbook around. Surprising, because it was the first time we meet.

I have always loved to draw. At 6 i used to spend hours and hours just drawing out a story, which i made up myself. Father banned me from doodling ever since. I have taken up the hobby again quite awhile ago. I have never learn art from anyone, now I'm teaching myself to sketch still life. Though I may not be the best in drawing, I will challenge anyone in sketching based on speed. Of course sister dear always rub things in, she won some contest in the palace for her painting at 10,she's sooooooo perfect anyway. Being the silent one I just took it in. *grumble* Oh do you really think she is as gifted as I am? *wink*

There is one thing about artists that I observed though. Quite like writers mentioned in "INKHEART", we're loners. We tend to live in our own world (please do not say it like its a bad thing *stare*) I am not exactly a complex person, I am a simple person with... needs. I need to be alone, but not to feel lonely.

Today even as I walked out of church I have already felt my time slipping away. The past hurt resurfaced, the unfairness of it all stabbed me from each site. Nobody understood even as they hurt me more by saying they do.

They couldn't see what I see. They saw the large flowers in the picture. I see thorns in detailed, which they couldn't appreciate.

We made thorns beautiful.

Done something

2009-02-18T21:58:00.003+08:00

There is one thing I don't like about mediating, you're usually not remembered. Because I'm the person in between, I'm not mentioned as a leader nor am I the person the juniors thank. No matter how much they say they understand, they will have no idea of the underdog within the group.

Yet it is not my purpose to receive glory, only God deserve any of that. No doubt there are times when I feel like ranting, everyone have their roles, just being a "leader" sounds more glamorous. Still, I wish for some sort of mutual understanding at times when I feel like I am treated as "done nothing".

Everyone grows with time. I have gave what I can and guide the kids ~~under my iron claws~~ . It's encouraging to see them ready to take the next step and take the lead instead. In fact, it is my highest achievement when they no longer need me for guidance, but rely on God alone for their future sake. I can say I am very proud of them. A part of me miss the quality time spent resolving complications, counseling, giving advice and listening.

My job here is nearly done. Time to move on.

I have faith in the greater things they are going to do.

The Pressure is On

2009-02-14T15:59:00.003+08:00

2 Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.

^{³ We give no offense in anything, that our ministry may not be blamed.}

⁴ But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses,

⁵ in stripes, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings;

⁶ by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love,

⁷ by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left,

⁸ by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as deceivers, and yet true;

⁹ as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened, and yet not killed;

¹⁰ as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things.

2. Corinthians 6: 2-10

Please do not expect a lovey dovey post on Valentine's. Today is a fairly dull day. Dull, or perhaps a depressive day due to boredom. And yet I feel a slight relief being alone for this day. Some time has passed when I can truly be alone and think things through. Frankly, life hasn't been all rosy.

Studying isn't easy, of course working would be a whole different level but let's not get there. The fact that this is THE semester that determines if I fly doubles the stress. Now that I have bought my ticket to the UK, I hear the pot whistling already. When I agreed on my friend to board Malaysia Airlines with her, she mentioned it was the miracle of her week. I was slightly puzzled that she had to pray and God led her to me. Maybe I should be thankful, so God are You saying that I am going to Scotland?

This friend of mine isn't particularly close to me. She and a group of other people have already decided to fly on the 9th via Malaysia Airlines. Knowing Malaysian students, we tend to be indecisive. It was because nobody could make up their minds that my friend had to pray for another person. We have the same mindset, we actually enjoy traveling without a group. Because of certain factors we discussed, we have decided to fly at night on the 8th to Heathrow Airport, London. We haven't book the domestic ticket.

The people from the group of 10 heard we booked our ticket and wanted in. Guess it's an Asian thing, they needed someone to advance before they join in, on the 8th. With the possibility of more people tagging along, it calls for organization, coordination, structure and *gasp* leadership. The chances are, not many have board on a 13 hour flight with a transit that only allows cabin size of 20 kilos. Aww... I guess, if/when I have to, I have to. Time to take transportation to a higher level, literally. Suddenly Lady's words echoing in my mind. There is no such thing as coincidence in this world.

I have a very good reason to scream. The tension involving passing semester five, keeping my grades up, not being a stumbling block, duty to my family, now transportation... Argh!

The pressure is ON

This isn't the first time I feel like a pressure cooker. Most of my lifetime is used running. I was prone to abandoning my responsibilities and fleeing from circumstances. I am but a human being- weak, feeble and uncertain. I have been running again during semester four. Try as I might, it dawns to me again that whatever I run from catches up. We can try to live around the complication, only to be compressed constantly.

Why does God turn up the heat?

The model answer would be A. God allows circumstances so that we learn to depend on Him.

The given answer was nevertheless, true. But it is so hard to believe and trust that God will bring us through while we're in a difficult situation.

Anyone can recite the bible like a theory, not many can live it. Paul was a good example, a man with mission who wrote most of the new testament though never met Jesus in person. His life was evident that the more he aspire to be the salt and light of the world, the more he suffered.

Why?

God has chose us as earthen vessels, very much like us putting gold in clay pots. Being imperfect beings we are not worthy of the honor and incompetent of the responsibility God has entrusted us. We are incapable, and yet God is able. The glory of God resides in Him and not in us. God receives the glory when persecution and circumstances show us our own weakness that drives us to Him for strength. Our enemies pierce us from every side. Troubled, perplexed, persecuted and cast down (2 Corinthians 4:8-9), still in us bear the treasure that is far greater than the power of the world, we're not destroyed.

I learned something new today. That in suffering God's grace is magnified. I may be constantly changing, though I haven't died to myself each day. The one aspect of taking up my cross and following Jesus would be knowing Jesus in His suffering. My torments will never measure up to what He has done and taken for me. And in a mystical way, His death adds meaning and purpose to everything I have been through.

I know it's worth it.

Just as you are.

2009-02-07T03:32:00.003+08:00

A friend of mine has always seemed to be on fire when he talks about the search of a best friend. The supposed perfect "best friend" would be completely understanding and not judging. While it's not impossible, yet rather, what is the need of finding the sense of security having the perfect friend?

It was a perfect time in my opinion to reflect about what Pastor Steven says about expectations on others and evaluations on ourselves.

Along the conversation he said I'm not as introverted as i THINK because of the numbers of people I seem to have been connected with. Oh boy if he had seen each and every one of how those meetings happen would he eat up his own words. I DO remember. Some things about myself at least, I don't "think", I know.

When the conclusion came that God probably would want me to be an extrovert, I thought, really? Because it came to mind that never in God's words have introverts been considered a weakness. I have always preached how God changes a person. There is a sense of comfort knowing that we will never have to live with a label. Thinking again, what is the purpose of design and individuality if we will end up as the same?

I like being different. And it took me years and years just to accept that. Maybe it just doesn't sound right to you that I am over trying to be like you, think like you and talk like you. I will never be as charming or beautiful or sophisticated as you are, and I am telling you, I don't have to be.

There is a funny trick that plays on our minds. A feeling that we need to have something to feel secure. But it is a choice, no? It's what we choose to place our securities at. While I am not the perfect example yet I have this funny sense of comfort I'm getting there. I'm getting old, aren't I?

There is no condemnation when I speak the things I speak. Though I must admit, I have poor communication skills I can work on.

I will not say God is the perfect friend out of religious reasons, although He is. Years have taught me (as well as constant advice from the experienced), all men will let us down. There will be disappointments, but it's up to us to choose looking at the larger picture.

I feel that there isn't a need of a prize for us to take back as a motivation. As for me, I have been driven by mercy and compassion, love and passion. And I sincerely say this when I find what I do as a reward to myself. There are times in life when I feel drained when things were blur and I just couldn't see it from God's perspective. Then things seemed meaningless and it just doesn't seem like its worth risking anymore. To have God open my eyes and find that I have been blessed after all.

I'm not a leader and I don't have disciples.

I have kids. Loving them is truly a gift back to myself.

Jocelyn shared just awhile ago about how God uses different people for His purpose. Like Jeremiah, an INTROVERT! As well as outspoken leaders, like.... like.... I dunno the best example. There's too many. Either way, God can always turn the situation around. As Shakespeare puts it; to thine own self be true, because you're special.

14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[a]
         Marvelous are Your works,
         And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
         When I was made in secret,
         And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
         And in Your book they all were written,
         The days fashioned for me,
         When as yet there were none of them.

So come as you are.

Just as you are.

True courage

2009-02-03T10:38:00.003+08:00

Now my hands can do nothing, all I can do is trust.

Pregnant and it's not funny.

2009-02-02T01:50:00.003+08:00

Can you imagine that?

You have no idea how much courage and hesitation it took me write down the title. At first the title was "I'm pregnant", do I need to tell you if there's anything wrong with those two words? I could have chosen a different, lighter title, but the aim here is to deliver a deep sense of awareness and not the message alone.

It was just a dream.

Pregnant, when I don't even know the mystery father (it's a dream). Guilt eats me up as I walk pass the people just looking at me, shocked. Shame covered my face with worthlessness, impureness, sin. Trapped now with no where to hide. I have been exposed now, it's time to face the coming consequences.

The dream fast forwarded to the birth of the baby. The storm didn't stop here. This girl wasn't ready to be responsible for a child. The mixture of emotions drives anyone half crazy. This screw up burns away all the certainty there is. I feel- loneliness, and its potent state and abandonment from family and the mystery father. I had one friend though at this state it was just hard not to be depressed and angry at the world. Never have I felt such desperation just needing understanding. I could abandon the baby but I couldn't. I watched as he cried, what if he just starved?

And I woke up. Looking at Pegasus the Heaven Pig on the ground made me relieved. Hey, you were suppose to protect me in my sleep! What the heck, I'm single! I'm too kiddish for a serious relationship! I still like soft toys! Woohoo!

I know about false dreams and ungodly dreams. I'll probably just forget about this once I write it down. Fingers crossed.

Coincidentally I just visited a blog that writes about pregnancy and how the women have to carry the burden when the men flee from responsibilities. This is one blog that I rarely visit, maybe once or twice a year. I have nothing against posting a lot of pictures in one blog. I just prefer a piece with a little more depth, not the surface alone. Yet she managed to impress me with a piece written in matured language. The only deeper piece which by chance paralleled my dream.

If you believe in safe sex, I can't stop you but I know of people using protection with a 99.9 success rate that failed to work. Same concept in constant debate in Christian websites about should the use of contraceptives be encouraged. If God decides you should have a baby, who or what can stop Him?

Each person lives in a perfect coordination that balances each other. With every action, there is a reaction. No person is excluded from consequences. I don't think I want to lash out my anger to the irresponsible fathers that got away. Rather, I think both men and women are responsible. It is easy to point the finger but we forget that we fall into sin without realising it, until we have to face the consequences.

Months ago I had a deep conviction about how serious God's law is. It is wonderful how it describes the perfection of God, yet in the eyes of evil men worthless. Men has no love for righteousness since the fall. Sad but true. My conviction isn't "Oh no, I have sinned, will God forgive me." like how a lot of people thought. I don't just believe we must abstain from sin, but hate sin unconditionally. In this life, God doesn't punish us because we sin. He made us laws that protect us from getting ourselves tangled in such situations. E.g. AIDs, beastiality.

And uh....

Every men is equal. And especially for Christians, what is all the knowledge about loving sinners if we cannot open our arms to embrace those who felt worthless. They don't, "deserve the punishment". One dream is enough to tell me the sheer madness living as a single mom.

P/S, I wasn't thinking of anything relating to the dream before I sleep.

Too much

2009-02-01T18:05:00.002+08:00

Waking up tired has gone to a new level. Lately I have been feeling tired when the afternoon starts. Quite ironic, because I wake up hours near noon. I am rather alert now after a nap. It feels awkward that I have wasted precious time to rest. All I ask for is the right rest, not the long nights of nightmares. Very real nightmares.

Where at?

2009-01-22T02:19:00.005+08:00

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

[Chorus:]
They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

-----------------Lies by Evanescence-------------

It took 15 minutes for two people to be completely hurt by my harmless statement. An awful feeling took over when a person misinterpreted my dry sense of humor as an insult. The other, was just in a bad mood she says. Though I admire their courage to come clean with me, even if it would be better that they confront me before turning what i said completely around and take it too seriously. Knowing that defending myself will only make things worst, I apologize and asked for forgiveness.

Amazing how the mind plays tricks at us. At least now I know to whom I should never be sarcastic to. But my purpose writing this down is not so to condemn all those that overanalyse. Because I tend to be one too.

One of our downfalls is that we base our security at the wrong things. Especially on how others think of us. Throughout the life of an average Joe, he's examined, assessed , evaluated and judged in school, college, work, marriage. Naturally, a good first impression tends to be important in our mindsets. Subsequently whatever others think of us becomes very important. Quite sadly there are some of us that feel insecure just knowing or assuming that somebody else thinks negatively of us. And if that's not bad enough, we are bound to assume something completely ridiculous and untrue that drove us crazy until we realise we wasted half our lives mourning over lies.

Jesus always ask us to pursue Heavenly things, not earthly. In other words, imperishable things, eternal things. How many times in life have we thought that we're less fortunate because he is rich, she is smart? No one had it easy. No one. Life is hard, with constant beatings each waking moment when you find yourself imperfect. And the devil comes to rob you of your sense of security whoever you are. Because that is just what he does best. John 10:10 to steal, kill and destroy.

One wise person thought me. It's not the problems you have, how hard it is, how much it is. Yet it's how you manage them and deal with them. A concern friend, told me about perspective. It's a choice.

Do you want to think of the negatives which are untrue and sulk, cry about it till that one day, if ever, to find out that you've wasted half your life living a lie?

I didn't think so.

The rockish depressing song ends, right after Evanescence is Fee on iTunes.

Yeah, yeah, we shine, we shine, with the light of God
And when we speak, we speak with words of love
And when we dance, we may get a little wild
Cause we're the people of God, yeah, the people of God

And now is the time for the poeple to rise
Lift up a shout, everybody cry out
Raise your voice, shout out a noise
And dance a dance of joy

[Chorus]
We are the redeemed
We are the ones who are free
And we belong to Jesus
We are now alive
And in this world we will shine
Cause we belong to Jesus

We Shine by Fee

So my friends don't think I'm cool. So nobody bothers about me the underdog. So nobody invites me to go shopping. So the world is against me. So I am less fortunate than that JPA person. So I don't feel love by my parents.

So what?

I'm a child of God - He is my Father - 1 Jn 3:1,2	I am a saint - Eph 1:1; 1 Cor 1:2; Phil 1:1
I am Christ's friend - Jn 15:15	I am a fellow citizen in God's kingdom - Eph 2:19
I am born of God - 1 Jn 4:7	I have been brought near to Christ - Eph 2:13
I have been adopted by God - Rom 8:15

I am an heir of God - Rom 8:17	I've been rescued from Satan's domain - Col 1:13
I am a joint heir with Christ - Rom 8:17; Gal 4:7	I am hidden with Christ in God - Col 3:3
I am blessed with every spiritual blessing - Eph 1:3	I am chosen of God - holy, beloved - Col 3:12
I am a child of promise - Rom 9:8; Gal 3:14	I am a child of light, not darkness - 1 Thess 5:5
I've been given great promises - 2 Pet 1:4	I am a partaker of Christ - Heb 3:14

I'm redeemed and forgiven - Eph 1:6-8
I've been justified - made righteous - Rom 5:1
I have eternal life - Jn 5:24
I died w/Christ to the power of sin - Rom 6:1-6
I am free from condemnation - Rom 8:1	I am to be salt on the earth - Mt 5:13
I have received the Spirit of God -1 Cor 2:12	I am to be light in the world - Mt 5:14
I have been given the mind of Christ - 1 Cor 2:16	I'm chosen and appointed to bear fruit - Jn 15:16
I have been crucified with Christ - Gal 2:20	I am called to do the works of Christ - Jn 14:12
I am a new creation - 2 Cor 5:17	I am to do what Christ commanded His disciples - Mt 28:20
I have been made alive with Christ - Eph 2:5	I have been given spiritual authority - Lk 10:19
I am God's workmanship - Eph 2:10	Signs should accompany my work - Mk 16:17-20
I have received fullness in Christ - Col 2:10

Where do you put your securities at?

Thank you Ian!

Lioness

2009-01-18T20:20:00.002+08:00

On the 6th of January 2008, Li Shun and I had a chat online about transportation.

"For you, I will, in a heartbeat"

It was the first time I had been handed the pleasure of arranging transport. At the end of the conversation I remembered saying I should start being a lioness.

"A lioness, but as gentle as a lamb. ", said Li Shun, concerned of my I-will-conquer-the-world antics.

The willingness of the lion to take on any challengers has earned him the title king of beasts.

Just last night I found something new about myself. Yean Ching prayed for me, 2009 is the year God will stretch me. And I realise, I have a deep sense of fear towards change.

Which is ironic, because I am usually pro-change, think outside the box, revolution!

So 2009 is going to be a year of change, huh? As if 2008 wasn't. It's funny how a simple word can make me think ridiculously. What if I fail Mpharm? What if Scotland isn't for me? What if? What if?

It was a good time to reflect on 2008.

I was a passive Christian, who lets each person choose their own fate. I do somehow, very vaguely, perhaps deep inside, deep deep deeeeeep inside, love people. But I couldn't find a reason that I should share the word of God to them. No, that's not my job. "Faith" was merely a word synonymous to trust on God. Maybe if I believe hard enough that they will meet Jesus, somehow God will magically work His way through without me going out.

Somehow, when I ask people about myself. They say I'm interesting. Oh they didn't say I was brave, gosh no. They say I'm either bold or fearless.

Perhaps I didn't want to show them how insecure or fearful I truly am. I wanted to be as honest as I could, though by the end of the year, I know I needed to be strong, so they can be too.

It has been a journey filled with laughter, tears and agony.

2009, how different, I wanted to ask God. How much more will I have to balance on my shoulders. Should I feel more agony than the year before or will I finally exist in a system?

I stand before the Throne, afraid.

Sigh. The other day I watch Discovery's Animal Face-Off, using biological facts, math and computer generated graphics to determine a winner of a fight between two animals. The tiger seemed to have more advantage due to its size, strength and larger fangs. The results gave me a deeper understanding of why lions used in the bible quite often. E.g. The righteous are as bold as a lion. Not just because its ferocious, this animal has been brought up and trained to defend a pride. It is a accomplished fighter, taking down anything even larger than its size.

One young woman in an ever worsening world. It's too much.

To You I surrender my shame, pride and disappointments. Lead me.

1 John 4:4 notes that Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world. I can hear the Lion of Judah roaring already.

Skin Deep

2009-01-17T05:31:00.004+08:00

I'm glad to announce of my new toy.

So now I can keep my earrings organised, squash-free (big rescue to my feather earrings), and looks great in my study table. (though I think it's not enough for all of my earrings) And it rotates!

Fabulous.

Recently a friend of mine commented on my earrings, "earrings only look good on long hair." From the way she usually talks to me, I know my hair is not "long". In fact 12 hours ago she just commented that my hair is too short.

The months of being a friend is not short of how beautiful she is, or how many suitors she has at the glance of her photos. She's drop dead gorgeous, period.

"You must..."

"Guys don't..."

"It's only fact that..."

It's simple. I'm not pretty. It bothers me that I'm actually blogging about this. And I thought gone were the days of an insecure teen girl, sheesh.

So what?

I still stand out.

Today I'm no longer a driver on probation

2009-01-14T18:39:00.002+08:00

I remember very well of the day I passed my driving test. I came back home with a suspicious long face. Dad, of course, thought I didn't make it. I'm not easily excited. Deal with it.

That day marked the day I don't have to rely on anyone to go anywhere. No more asking for permissions too! Though what really got me thinking, was that two years have passed.

I was a new believer then who thought I will never enter a church basing on my circumstances. I moved into this empty and dusty dusty apartment. And for a month or so I lived alone cleaning up, setting up and preparing myself for university life. It took me a lot of courage just deciding to drive to Carrefour on my own. It is Kuala Lumpur, anyway.

Life was peaceful, but never fulfilling. It was time the new believer discovers truth and herself. But then mommy came along in the student lounge and most of us knows what happens thereafter.

From worrying about youth groups to discipling. Doing the things I could do illegally under 18, and now I'm preparing to leave teenage. Had a crush on the nicest kid (and still the same), now I'm avoiding weird glances and stupid pick-up lines from strangers.

C'est la vie

In the Shadows

2009-01-13T02:23:00.002+08:00

I'm not a singer. I'm not a social butterfly. I'm not a musician. I'm not an ace student. I'm not a leader. I'm not the limelight of any event.

What must I do to earn your respect? Because it's no longer just in my head, it's true.

All-rounder, sometimes I wish that was my reality.

Hopefully this isn't the final post of the year.

2008-12-22T04:45:00.002+08:00

It's been some time since I have feel no burden at all. Each time those weights were lifted up, some other forms drop down and starts balancing on my shoulders. Nobody ever told me growing up will be easy. Though with one crisis after another, one might just go insane.

Life has been busy lately. Thus, no time left for me to play Pet Society at Facebook or feeling alone during the extra times. In other words, it's been good. Christmas has always been my favourite season. Each year we come to celebrate a sense of hope. Hope, and joy, and peace, not forgetting love, all packed together as a gift. A gift presented to us by our Heavenly Father. It would have taken eternity for us to understand the magnificence of His generosity, even greater, His forgiveness, to give us something we do not deserve.

Now i'll leave that to you to ponder about. Let's talk about me. *Ahem* It has been a crazy crazy month just thinking of how to gift wrap the many gifts that took months to collect. Just minutes ago, I wrapped the very last gift, which will be placed in my luggage to be taken down under in 12 hours. Sigh. Speaking of which, suddenly i feel a sense of remorse going Australia. I decided to go a month ago, feeling guilty that I haven't spoken to my sibling in 2 years. And yet, I'm not as excited about spending a H-O-T Christmas right now.

The busy week itself, to me, was a gift from God. It's one time I learn to take charge and take anything that comes my way. Of course, with His strength. Our Christmas celebration, though not as extravagant as the many Christmas dinners I've had, was the best I have ever had. An introverted girl has came a long way from being the best, to suicidal, to alone. Maybe blood is thicker than water, but hmmm, the sense of comfort among my "kids", I can confidently say it must be love. And I'll miss them for the next 2 weeks.

The most beautiful

2008-12-11T00:06:00.004+08:00

"How can we share His love, if we cannot share His compassion?"

It was the most uplifting sentence for weeks. "Life is not a fairy tale", a movie based on the true story of Fantasia Barrino, American Idol 2004. Everyone knows I wouldn't bother to keep up with who's who in the mass media. Movies.. Poor plot, lack of structure. I could criticize, but choose not to. It's always that way every wednesday night with 8tv as my source of random movies.

The story of the winner of American Idol 3 reminds me of how real God's grace is. A girl dropped out of school after getting raped. Moved out of her house before adulthood. Getting pregnant at 16 with an abusive boyfriend. And apparently, that's reality to Fantasia.

The part where Fantasia broke down when she returned to her grandmother's church, brought me to tears. The girl in her 6th month pregnancy was on her knees, embraced by her mother, and the church members came embracing and prayed.

Then how many times does it take to remind me of the greatness of His love? Should each of us go through such irreversible incidences? That the scar reminds us of our sovereign Lord? We didn't have to. The cross is our scar, to remind us of the shame taken by Jesus Christ. And by grace, we're able to persevere even in this lifetime of agony, injustice, shattered dreams and sin. Our God is the God of second, third, fourth, endless chances.

How beautiful is that?

2 Guys (Strong enough)

2008-12-09T17:07:00.002+08:00

I think someone should sue the owner of Facebook for allowing millions of people to waste their time, not mentioning the not-so-secured information that leaks into the wrong hands.

I saw his picture as i scroll down and noticed at the "people you may know" column. That demeaning smile. Someone hasn't changed at all. Alright, he did changed his hair. I wonder how life has treated him lately. Did he change his girlfriend again? But then, I'm not obsessing over the fact that he has a facebook account that I can stalk and read infos on or look at pictures plus speculate. Nah. Delete. Yeah sure I would have appreciated it if I never wasted 4 years. But now, I know I'm strong enough, to choose not to tear up his pictures.

Then there's him, miles and miles and miles away. We hardly speak at all. No pictures or any clue of how the person is already at this present moment. Yet there's something different. I won't say I have a specific weakness. Quiet guys or hunks. I do definitely enjoy spending quiet time with those who thinks outside the box. As Dr. Ananda puts it. "I love you, brother" Here, is the weird no-contact-at-all scenario where I'm not sure what's up ahead, if anything at all. But it has been, from the start, edifying for God. (hard to explain, but God knows. ) I'm strong enough, to wait.

A Time of Healing

2008-11-24T17:57:00.000+08:00

Meanwhile, hello third year pharmacy school!

In desperation

2008-11-19T20:34:00.002+08:00

Draw back the curtains and glance outside

A pair of tear stricken eyes watched without looking.

Cellphones thrown one side in anger

For a moment, a daughter's heart starts to burn.

In an instant, all certainties were reduced to ashes.

A sigh

A second

Depressed, angered, confused, alone, trapped

How I've longed to never have that same feeling again

The very same, with the exception of a blade against my skin.

The still small voice who calls himself old friend sounded.

"What is right? What is wrong? 1, 2, 3, do it!"

Even I am tempted, my hands shaking at the thought of red trails

dripping, dripping, dripping.

Daggers from the mouth of men make me insane

Each piercing me left, right, up and down.

I want to scream but can't.

It felt like I have no soul left to save.

Oh sovereign God

the Lord who saves.

I see no way out.

Won't You lead me?

My enemies come for me,

my giant tramples over me,

and demons tempt me.

Of the a million and one things I fear,

is loosing You.

My bruised soul reaches to You, my Saviour.

The Almighty, who deserves the highest of praise.

At the very edge

2008-11-18T19:46:00.002+08:00

It is very easy to blame. It has been years since I said, " The paper was too hard." "The examiner was strict." Though saying it give a temporary relief. A clear one, in fact. What are the probabilities of everyone who failed are under the same examiner, and none at others? Though the truth is, any student should be ready for any examiner.

Father was never understanding. All he knows is that as long as you mug and sleep 4 hours a day, how can anyone fail? That's him being ignorant of the fact that 4 hours of sleep makes things worse. I would have agreed if we're talking about basic sciences. Though not for a subjective paper with in depth questions. I can't see any area in this module that I did not cover. In fact I can remember them all. But I fail to be flexible with this knowledge in order to snake myself around. This time around, I don't know. I could have chosen every question because I have studied everything. Though in the end, I had too little time to choose my final question to score in. It was only after the time ends that I realize I can do the other question better, though at that moment, it didn't came to mind.

Unfair! I wanted to yell from the start. That I am surrounded by people who passed only by borderline. At this moment it is sheer torment. I did what I can. Though there wasn't any understanding between me and dad. Yeah sure if it was him he will excel in anything. I doubt it with his sense of logics.

I still believe the Father is good. Though what is His will, I am very afraid even when I shouldn't be. Signing off, with faith on the edge.

Written Venom

2008-11-10T19:58:00.003+08:00

There is a reason for my distinctive style of writing. Wait, make that several. For one, readers have to keep guessing, preventing information leaks to the internet. Another would be to safeguard the truth of others. With the internet, anything could happen, at global rate. I have no doubts that misinterpretation from a small sentence could cause gossips, private pictures into scandal. Another personal matter would be the accuracy of a story. Doesn't have to be a news letter, take blogs for instance. A "subtle" error may lead to misunderstandings. News spread to cyber bullies and the inevitable happens. Social rejection, public humiliation and isolation. Sure "Why so serious?". I'm probably the "too sensitive one". Just as a reminder, everyone else is always too sensitive till you are the victim.

Oh! The Ketam is Real!

2008-11-09T03:53:00.002+08:00

Blur statement of the day. And the winner of the weekly sotong award goes to.............

drumroll.....

..........

.......

....

"Having your beauty sleep?"

"Huh? Who is my sleeping beauty?"

Timothy Kiong!!!!!

*Crowd cheers*

Congratulations Timmy, you've won yourself one week of free pastry (only while stocks last) at the Elizabeth Crocodile Foundation, mother office located at B-*-*, Vista Komanwel B.

***********Buzzz*************

I am again, studying at the Mc Donald's SS15. Life hasn't been stagnant at all. Grandma, EOS, sunburn, my first musical, and I fff... *lip bitten* failed Pharmacy Practice. It's one thing if I know I haven't prepared at all and get bad results. Now, I still can't get over the shock. It was THAT close. With re-sit, all the hard work on essays and extemporaneous dispensing, gone.

Having trouble just accepting I nearly pass, my friends passed, not barely, but exactly passing marks. Sigh. As much as I want a breakthrough, it's a time to face failure. It's easy to blame. The question was harder. The past years weren't helpful. The lecturers. God. It's really easy to blame. Experience thought me that, yet I'm still blaming myself. It's torment now just thinking of how to, what to, or what ifs. It's not the first time I've failed, it's not the aiya-I-did-so-badly-I-got-only-70-percent syndrome. Sadly, I don't like to be reminded of the trauma, I no doubt, run away.

Though no matter how badly, it's about time to stop run endlessly, and start conquering.

Hahhhhh... Needing the all sufficient grace.

Can I have this dance

2008-11-03T03:59:00.001+08:00

"[Gabriella]
Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.

[Troy, Gabriella]
Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

(chorus)
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

[Troy]
Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

[Troy, Gabriella]
And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are

(chorus)
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

[Gabriella And Troy]
Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be

(chorus)
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance "

Just so you know, I'm still not a fan of High School Musical. Quality music though, is hard to find. :)

Something to match up to an unwavering passion.

Understanding

2008-10-18T00:31:00.008+08:00

For the first time I finally feel like I'm on my way to professionalism. The first one year and a half was no doubt important, so juniors, please work your behinds off even if it seemed ridiculous. Maybe it's too late for me. But it was only recently that I open my drugs and disease module notes, I understood.

I will never encourage anyone to study last minute. On the contrary, I think one should work 3 hours a day without fail, and don't stress out the day before exam. Everyone is different. If only I had studied 1 one a day. To me, that will make a lot of difference. (Not indicating that I should only devout that little time to studies.) With my foundations on pharmacology weak, I tend to push away that dreaded Dee-Dee. It was a fear. Maybe I won't understand. It is a deep sense of fear of failure, that stopped me from believing I can understand drugs. In fact I was astonished when I pass my CVS interpretation class test, having studied less than what required. It was even more shocking to me to learn those who wrote loooooooong essays (in contrast with my 1 page and half) failed. There isn't negative marking yet, I've checked.

During the study breaks, I finally gave myself enough courage to face the book. To give myself a chance of not just reading the darn book. It wasn't that scary at all. There was understanding. Despite the weak physio-pharmaco foundation, I was able to imagine the contents of the book. Through this subject I understood physiology and pharmacology. It all makes sense now. Although studying till dawn is a crazy thing (Trust me, I hardly study when its bright), I know how much I can take. I know it when I couldn't, stop when studying becomes ineffective. One of those study break days when you see me in front of the idiot box, didn't regret that. Of course I tried studying, after an hour doing passive study, it's better to get rested for the night to study or waste more time staring at the book.

Active study, definitely believe in it. Till now I'm still in awe of the things I understood in such short time. Perhaps it's a gift, I wouldn't know. Went to the pharmacy for meds, and all the distribution, formulation, misuse of drugs act 1971 (Oops), pharmacology came to mind. Effective learning, that is scary.

Because everything about the paper was subjective, I can't confidently say I will pass. It was no doubt the EOS that I put most effort at. And yet, with the many disappointments I've had before, it's hard to be so sure again. (If it was MCQs then I can really say no probs, but that's not the case).

Do not worry.

It's hard because of how I grew up.

Understand that. :)

Fighter

2008-10-12T02:54:00.002+08:00

The night before we had a light conversation, yet it lead to the sad truth about being lonely.

Transportation was hectic. To squeeze 25 people in 4 cars, and the last minute students who haven't confirmed, I better put them in vans already. Yet the process was handled calmly. I was no doubt tempted to type in "I'm gonna...... " in my text message to a last minute student. Rather, it's time I know my role. Playing the part every day, of simple, sweet, calm and collected. *blink blink blink* Alright, it's a slow revelation that I am important in this ministry, if not to the people at the backseat, then to God Himself.

It wasn't the same when I encountered a person loosing temper at my remark. I apologize, in vain. The day I thought I handled everything well under control, didn't last till nightfall. It is one thing that my efforts are taken for granted. That's common, but be a blessing always. I would really appreciate it if a person would understand the many false blame I have to take from. Or at least, respect me a little bit more than ever given, if any at all.

It reminds me of the conversation last night. I told someone I abhor arguments. There are many people I can walk away from. Other than topics of the gospel and grace, which I'm bound to defend at its original-no-justification-no-diluting form (Proven: Martyrdom- O-My-Goodness), the things from my past agitates.

It's not to say that I'm still at risk and need a trip at victory weekend to break away from the past. But I am recovering, not recovered, but I'm going there. And when a person says "it's hopeless", "useless", "never". It disturbs, no, angers me. I hate comparisons, I have no need to hiding that. Because if anyone were to, I live on the extreme. I don't speak my life as to belittle what others are going through. The absolute statement "never", gives me relapses.

That is the down part of listening to people similar, not alike, me. The feeling of rejection recycles itself among, you, me, three. I have been lonely for the last 19 years of my pathetic life and I will not say the feeling will NEVER leave me. It has got better, not because any of you got any worse than me. Note the dead commentaries, that's my social life.

There is a time in life, when we have to think.

It (the feeling) wont, or I won't?

With this, is a question of faith.

Jesus is my rock and foundation, and on Him alone I build my life. I have been shaken, struck down and trampled upon. But I will not stumble. I have come too far for anything to stop me. I refuse to let anyone tell me I am not strong enough.

Too far.

So bear in mind, only man let me down, always will. Maybe just a cold shoulder for the next 2, 3 months? (not a role model here)

I am a fighter.

One who learned to love it's ridiculous.

Look out world!

In a heartbeat

2008-10-07T03:54:00.002+08:00

If I have to travel half the world,

I am willing.

If I have to leave my life behind,

I am willing.

Even if it's for just one single person,

if it's Your desire,

I am willing.

What if it means pushing myself to the edge?

To feel Your presence, Your pulse, Your warmth

to me, it is more than enough,

I am willing.

When this path seems confusing,

with Your words as my only guide.

Yet in the end Your will surfaces.

I am willing.

If it meant getting hurt again and again,

to be betrayed, misjudged, rebuked and cast out.

Lord, won't You make me willing?

Because You have spread out Your hands,

that was how much I meant to You.

Reminding me how selfish I live my life.

For You alone,

I'll do it, in a heartbeat

The famous ol' room

2008-10-05T00:56:00.002+08:00

It's been 2 weeks since I last sat on the study table under my loft bed. The very core of the room has been deserted when I found an alternative spot to study very late without weird looks from others. Now I understand why Mc Donald's ss15 is always packed with college students at the back. It wasn't exactly the quietest place, but the fact that nobody bothers you while you study, the tendency of falling asleep is lower, can poke someone when bored and most importantly, lights from heaven, no shadows on my textbooks.

This is especially odd for a room dweller who appreciates an extreme amount of time of solitude. There is great amount of space in my room, with all the healthier seaweed and fruit to chew on. And I always do work better alone. Sorry, it's a fact. I can contribute but never really dwell well in groups.

Since last semester, things didn't change, I just got shaken. Having low marks and have to restudy and bury all my fears of history repeating, it was tiring. Consequently, my performance for the coming semester wasn't much better. The weeks were spent trying to rest and failed. Oh the days I asked for healing, and more jabs came. Studying under the loft bed became hard. It's the place where I remember my failures. And it hits me, I'm lonesome. I never did act it out. I never wanted to cry. Many times the simplest misunderstanding discourages me. Tears welled up in my hesitant eyes and I had to swallow them up. But I'm not always successful. Sometimes, I leak.

Separation with my room allowed me to see others differently. Honestly study groups do annoy me, but please be clear that I'm not angered. It kept me from thinking about the forlorn hope I have for myself.

I do appreciate the guys, though I didn't think we could all study there any longer anyway. So roomy, I'm back. To be frank I feel rather depressed being boxed, possibly not talking to anyone except dad for the next 16 hours. Also the disturbing feeling of stop trying anymore. It hurts me that whatever I do, no one is satisfied. I really really really did my best, but it all ended in vain. Hence I stopped.

I looked at the high school picture my friend gave me. How I wish the people on the pictures stuck on the board would at least bother to give me an message, even at Facebook. Looking beyond that, it gives me comfort to see the gingerbread girl and paper snowflake. And of all the picture frames, I love the merry-go-round most. It's a cool thingamagic with 6 picture frames. It has 7 people in it, 2 had to squeeze in one frame. It brought a smile on my face. I love all of them dearly even when I don't express it.

It is this place that I got my revelation on grace. Not forgetting the famous comic strip I drew out of stress. It's a perfectly drawn story with not much significance to others, but it expresses my life.

Roomy, I really don't want to leave you anytime soon, let us not fight again.

I should really study now. I'm still depressed and weary of EOS 3. Sigh~~~ I know I'm not suppose to but I happen to and it's always easier said than done and I truly tried NOT TO THINK too much and I'm worried about the things that have not happened. God is in control of all things, but what is His will?

My failures for the passed few years would have truly drowned me, my God made a way. Time to get back to mugging. Will I make it? Though one thing's for sure. I'm not giving up without a fight.

Watching the sky

2008-10-04T16:27:00.002+08:00

Looking out the window, trees sway with roaring winds as the gray sky started pouring. The first few drops splashed quietly on concrete ground surprised by the wild storm. The heavens understand my feelings completely.

Falling against my face, brushing against my cheeks, it's cold and wet.

Trapped II

2008-09-28T16:36:00.004+08:00

Hours ago I locked myself out of my room. Understand that my housemates have left for home this Hari Raya break. I was literally trapped between my room, and the gate. It's not the first time I have to pick locks, just, it's the 1st time I have to do it without pins, screwdrivers, hooks or cards to swipe across the gap. Surely you guys should know by now the sophistication of my doorknob, the one that stands out among the 3 rooms at my apartment. I have successfully open their doors before without using a key, of course, at their requests. So you are sure of my integrity and respect for others' privacy. I wondered if my doorknob malfunctioned, how did I carelessly locked myself out. It was a good fifteen minutes of picking and bashing the door. Forks, toothpicks, err... They'll have to do for now. Eventually I opened the door using a piece of scrap metal. And I found that the deadlatch was not working, it doesn't move when the outside knob was twisted. I got into the room, by chance, must be God at work. To be save, I removed the doorknob. Better hunt for a better doorknob, one that works, and one I can't pick open.

I originally wanted to blog right after SNL last night, with a complete different title. Was too tired anyway. Yet today's incidence reminded me of a hurt 16 year old, trapped in everyday life finding truth.

1 year changes a lot for a teenager. At times I refuse to think of my past. Not wanting to get hurt is one thing, but mostly it's because I don't want it to be a big chunk of bitterness in my life. Yeah at times I'm ashamed of every tear I cried during those years. Seriously I'm not crying over spilt milk anymore, yet I tend to be over cautious due to experience.

Yet it's not really true that "mature" means better. After 2 years, of course I have applied "It's not what problems you have, it's how you handle those problems"(Kee, 2006) mindset applied in everyday routine. True there must be a logical way to handle every situation. Still "logically" we tend to solve everything ourselves. And sometimes, I tend to belittle what I have been through years ago. I look down on myself, at those weak and helpless moments, at every minute I sneak a tear, at the very second I gave up hope. I belittled what the Saviour has done for me.

I understand tiredness very well. How else will a former aspiring student gave up on studies so many years ago? At this time, I'm not feeling the intense hurt of being betrayed. I'm not feeling the many intense depression attacks when I was 16. I feel tired.

I'm tired of going any further. I'm tired of getting rejected at relationships. I'm tired of injustice. I'm tired of having to need to prove myself. I'm tired of getting accused of the things I have not done. I'm tired of failures. Tired of pride. Tired of life. Tired of me.

The worship song last night didn't speak to me. It spoke me.

It wasn't just a song. It wasn't just the words or the melody. But a truth declared from the heart. I think I sang it off tune, but it didn't matter ('cause someone complimented my voice :P). My Saviour made a way for me. I didn't seek Him, He looked for me. Even when I denied Him, He still held out His hand, waiting. He was there weeping when the blood drip down the floor, my blood. His wrists were stabbed instead.

You are my freedom.

Jesus you're the reason.

I'm kneeling again at Your throne.

Where would I be without You

Here in my life,

here in my life?

I have never heard the song before, but it came out naturally. My heart was crying as I declare it loudly.

A strong desperation took over. I have never felt so naked. On the edge hands held high waiting and screaming for God to save me.

My Saviour left me breathless. And He gave me more to go on.

I forget the freedom in Christ that I live in.

Where would I be if it's not for Him?

Here?

(It was an accident this time.)

Here?

Nope, I'm not exaggerating.

Rather than trying hard to forget the hurts and the stupid things, stop trying. Jesus has taken it all on Himself on the cross. It's a good reminder of how great our God is. Even I don't see where I'm going. Yet again, all things happen so that Hid glory be magnified. It's a time for us to learn to lean on Him.

Here's the vid

And the full lyrics

Wish I could take it instead

2008-09-26T02:25:00.004+08:00

It wasn't anyone's fault. What's done was done. In a few hours one person will wake up to the news. He feels? Sadness? Agony? Probably a bit of regret? Although the incident does not involves him, the buried past may surface and start eating up every certainty he holds. And me? Just an outsider who heard the news too early. An outsider, for both parties refer as "that girl". An outsider wishing that she wasn't one instead. Sigh.

I won't say I understand. Because I understand being told "I understand" out of convenience. There is nothing more I can do but pray. Though I really wish I'm the one taking the guilt instead. Yes me, the one who gives confusing signals about how I feel. The only honest expression anyone get from me is probably being annoyed. People probably know when my "happy" expressions weren't genuine, but that's the point. Despite being unaffectionate, I wish I can somehow give assurance that I do care, a major lot.

Getting fat this study break

2008-09-25T04:14:00.002+08:00

The above title was chosen as to prevent the passage from getting out of the original topic, which was inspired after many frustrations and debates.

It was unknown of whether I lost weight or the other way round this semester. 40 days without chocolate or wheat was cool, yet that constant slight depression attacks came by right after. Snack free supereggs like moi would turn to chewing some buns. Shortly after breaking fast, a roughly 10 days fast followed for the healing rally. Sadly, because of the many irritating colleagues, also with annoying arguments, a big fat dough was nice to pound at during the late evenings. I ate too much. Dear stomach has to suffer with the food forced into it in a small amount of time, much like the ducks in china that were force fed. Although my pants feels like its falling, now with the exam stress, and annoying voices, I'm definitely getting fat this study break.

If anyone respects me at all, the last thing you'd want to do is acting religious. Not condemning anyone because I've done the same thing. I sure don't know why but we sure have a thing about making God what we want Him to be. Praying becomes a routine with a certain range of words, any simpler it becomes a "rejected" prayer. There is no specific "procedures" in the bible saying this is how your posture should be, how should you feel, if you don't feel a certain way or saying the right words God can't answer you. No names shall be mentioned. But I'm getting real annoyed by the fact that I'm being judged by the "wrong" posture of worship. How is it that i must stand up when everyone else is? When in my heart I felt a need to bow down and listen, and a hand pushes me at the back? Huh? What is this? A evaluation of our religious practices before sending it up 6 hours to Heaven? This is when God becomes stale and the cross is merely a symbol. A symbol, in itself has no power. Oh the media has diluted the power of the Lord into manifestations in items. Many are deceived into thinking that the bible or the cross sign has holy power to cast out demons. Just touch them on the forehead and POOF! bye bye evil. But that would be interesting wouldn't it? Christianity would become just like any other beliefs. But our God is set apart, His words are spirit. And by the word word, it implies on the understanding and application, not the written scriptures on parchments.

Yes maybe I should have listened to a certain someone about being selective on sermons online. Yet, I couldn't resist. Once in awhile, it's refreshing to listen from a different point of view. Though it was rather appalling to hear preachers criticizing other churches. I must admit I have a "thing" against prosperity gospels, repent repent. Still, it all just contradicts with the verse Matthew 7:1,"Judge not that ye be not judged." It comes to mind that we are all sinful and equal, who are we to mock the other creations of God? Yes we have our differences, but you never know what God puts in another's heart. I guess at times it's hard to believe it all together. Our God is not the God of confusion. Instead of mocking and saying what is wrong in others, ask God for discernment. By the way, when we point that speck of dust in someone's eye, there's likely to be a log in our own. I think it is a shame that we condemn gay people to a point where they need to built a gay church. For your information I do not advocate homosexuality. Here's my opinion, how do we claim to love our brothers if we can't accept them for who or what they are? Never in the bible does God measure out sins. Being gay is just the same as being a liar. And God takes every sin very seriously.

Oh, one request, please don't point out your strong belief of how this specific bible verse or the many should be interpreted you're ready to throw at my face. One, I hate debating because it is an insult to my not-good-at-words "intellect". Two, you're embarrassing yourself, a lot. Three, the Lord is my judge.

Gah... must (try to) study again in another 4 hours of snooze.

In Silence

2008-09-21T16:33:00.002+08:00

So the long night began in silence.

In silence, the students entered their rooms.

In silence, each tired body lie on soft covers.

In silence, one girl delve into her thoughts and watches as the moon gets covered by clouds.

In silence, she remembers her vision! Some time ago, she saw schedules packed with that small purple booklet seven days a week.

In silence...

silence...

...

Oh Lord I wonder if you hear my plea. I'm on my knees. I can't do this much longer. Father, I need to know Your will. God it comes to this. When my body is weak, my spirit is tattered. I realize, I can't do this. Lord, only You can. Help me Lord. With Your wisdom and not my own. Truly God, You are mighty to save. Hosanna. Hallelujah. Praise You Lord for the God You are. How long should I wait? How much more tears should I shed Lord? That I may hear from You again? You will, not mine, Lord. Your will be done.

Despite everything

2008-09-17T01:43:00.003+08:00

It's just 2 hours away. I've fasted chocolate for 40 days. It'd be ridiculous that I can't last another fraction of that. Would to clarify to y'all about my point of view. I don't fast to have more faith, but I need to have enough faith to fast. Hope this makes sense.

Yes. Chocolate. It's a temporary remedy for not-feeling-wellness. I'm going to get fat. Argh~

It's time of the semester when it gets overwhelming. Surprisingly, I did rather fine for Drugs and Disease class test, as i found out minutes ago. It isn't good. Trust me when I say I'm not the type who says my results are not good because it's not an 80 percentile average. I tried pushing the thoughts away after Drugs and Disease feedback, learning that 2 people failed. After the last semester, I'd say I'm seriously tired. The tiredness affected my preparations for the class test following a blur scribbling during the essay writing itself. It would have been a miracle if I could pull that off. Then again, I passed. Unexpectedly.

Politics were never my favourite, but someone has to do it. It's kind of a shame that I know zilch about my country's political status. Tried to redeem myself by spending some time with papers in the library. Spent 2 hours there. Know what? I still have no idea how our country's doing. It was just a real nice 2 hours of reading. Scientific America, National Geographics, Cleo... Somehow old interests ignite. Neurology and genetics. Pharmacy is cool and all, though not my primary choice. Trouble is, I didn't really have one. The family wanted me to do medicine. I didn't think I qualify, well, not in IMU when everyone else have real near perfect TER scores anyway. AIMST.... NO! I repeat. NO! No matter what I'm stuck in Malaysia eventually. No thanks to the pioneer child. Did Mpharm after loads of negotiations. I haven't regretted it. Just that, I have other interests. Maybe it won't be interests when I get down to it and see how hard it really is. But maybe, just maybe. If I go through this, and I hope I will. Will be 21 when I graduate. We'll see.

I'm obviously not very balanced in life. Very often people see me juggling campus, assignments, studies, transport, housemates, stress. Oh the stress. Yeah at times I feel like yelling. In fact, I'd lie on the floor like a helpless fish trying to breathe. Yet everyone knows I'll get over it. The problem is when it involves relationships. It's a weakness demons like to poke repeatedly with pitchforks. I'm over with the things that happened over the months. But I'd be lying if I say I can put my trust on people. I did take chances. Being gracious, but hmm, surprise surprise, I'm hurt, again. Broken promises and deceit. I'm mad at myself for even getting stuck here. Do you need me? No? Should I stay? Should I just leave? Make up your minds. I can't stay confused. It's tiring listening to comparisons.

Greater things.

I should really get focused. I mean, really.

It's overwhelming. It's life.

I need rest. For the body, the mind, the spirit. But before I end, I'm glad about life anyway. Ironic, I write out all the rants and just announced that I'm glad.

Because it's life knowing *you'll love me too.

-here's *your chance to comment.-

Superegg turns 2.

2008-09-11T00:37:00.003+08:00

Somewhere this time, probably 1 am, I reconciled with the Lord. At that time, I didn't want to live another day without purpose. I couldn't take another day knowing everything I have done will be in vain. I wanted my life to count.

Earlier today I watched some Taiwanese drama. Poor plot. Such a long looong looooooong piece of work that premiered since last year at June, and till now the show hasn't ended. The poor remarks from me is it's constant few dramas each day. C'mon, one per day is enough, 3 or 4? Hands got burned and chopped, father vomits blood, protagonist enters the room like a superhero complete with the heroic music 2 or 3 times per hour? Gah! Utterly disturbing. BAD. The worst part was the family pride that's so true in my life. Bah humbug! Oh great, there the father goes, I-refuse-to-partake-in-this-surgery-unless-you-enter-this-competition. I'm angry. I hate the way this segment reminds me of the mess I'm in.

Rants aside, maybe it's a time for me to reflect.

" You! BIG BIG AIR! And YOU! You're a very BIG EGG!" yells the loudspeaker Liz as she points to her left and right.

There are reasons why I associate myself with an egg. Of course, I told everyone I love egg shaped items. Plus they're nutritious and good to eat in so many ways.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men,

couldn't put Humpty together again.

The end?

Not for this Humpty. (',^)

".....................because I'm unbreakable"

but only by the strength of God.

WARNING: Haters ahead

2008-09-10T12:30:00.004+08:00

"I'm sensitive and fragile, easily annoyed and ill tempered, so you better not provoke me. "

(Lil' Xingy, 2006)

You guys know I have a habit of nibbling my food just to get the taste of it. Know what? I have been stuffing my face with bread and buns. Hence giving new meaning to the word "breadface". While I usually do not snack or take naps. Here I am chewing crisps and rolled up in 2 layers of quilt on the floor. Bah, it's one of those leave-me-alone times.

I feel prawny. Mostly because I woke up curled like a shrimp. Much like the way cats sleep. Aww, which reminds me of the cats that used to sleep on my lap while I was studying. I had only one. Though there were strays that would climb into my study room (not sure how it finds me), and well, hop into my lap while I was TRYING to study. Dad hated cats though was usually too busy to notice a lump of fur under the desk. Life was complicated for an 11 year old, though much simpler than it is now. Somehow I miss being alone, and just having my kitty as company. Cats aren't usually the loyal one, so when they are loyal to you, they're loyal. For a brief period of time, I was myself. Didn't have to explain myself of my actions, didn't need confusing words to tell the world how I feel, didn't need to get lied at. Didn't have to. One thing I learn, those who don't trust you will never believe your explanations, those who do don't need any. It's all tiring, I wish everything just keep QUIET for a short moment.

You called me earlier asking how am I. Erm. You said you miss the times when we were younger. You missed the times poking me around. And during tution classes pulling my socks off. Or having a foot fight under the table hoping the teacher won't notice. Was I really that posh when I was 12? Apparently I was the definition of tomboy. I skate, you can't, I tease you during chess. You're a gadget freak, out impressing me with the latest techs. Argh, it was irritating back then. Oh, you miss making me pissed.

How annoyingly sweet.

Things change. It took 5 years of my life away. I don't think you know me anymore.

Yet, life gets better. Not easier, just better.

For now, maybe it was my fault. Maybe it's me again, failing to speak my heart and mind. I hate this feeling of being weak. I hate needing someone to need me. I hate just to need care and love from another. And I hate liking this feeling of dashing into a person's fat(s).

Why is there hesitation and confusion in my throbbing heart?

Didn't I earn my independence? Sigh. They say I'm loving and passionate. I'm wondering if that is true at any level.

Wind

2008-09-04T18:01:00.003+08:00

I am the wind

One you will never see completely

At times I wonder if you notice my presence

Like the tips of your flowing hair.

Try catching me

But you won't.

You gave me names.

Breeze, hurricane, cyclone and zephyr.

I'm unpredictable,

neither can I be tamed.

Flutter silently,

words can never express myself.

My passion loud,

like raging winds that roar.

To feel Your warmth,

Your heartbeat.

Time and time again I fail,

tears welled up in my hesitant eyes.

But turn them into strength.

I can't look back, I won't.

The time has come again

for my body to only go forward.

Think about it

2008-08-25T14:12:00.005+08:00

Lately I have been disturbed by several things. Even now when I should be completing my Pharmacy Practice essay, I can't help but ponder. I need to write, you're not the only one Li Shun.

"Did you know?", it's been an issue everyone's whispering about for the past 2 weeks. " Bpharm one right?" "I heard he is on his last semester." Perhaps I didn't show enough reaction, in truth, I cared, even if I dunno who that person was. Months ago I heard someone passed away after a heart attack, and it's someone I knew. Minutes ago I read a few blogs, and they talked about death, and it includes a school mate of mine. An accident? Apparently they didn't think so, it's Steve Irwin all over again, or so I think.

Death

Intimidating, isn't it? Let's do it again.

Death

It's an issue people like to hush about. It's not surprising, any of us who ever had a glimpse of a dead body will know the strange mix of feelings it incites: fear, pity, curiosity. For some reason, death creates "error" messages in our brains. Our brains function to tell us of our surroundings, what is living and what is inanimate. A dead body, in resemblance to a human being, is obviously inanimate. It is not moving. It is not alive. Some of us, might have similar feelings walking up a dummy or a statue- a spooky sense that it is a real person, but crucially doing the wrong thing, not moving nor breathing.

Our brains do not relish this kind anomaly, and when we come along the confusion it generates we tend to have strong emotions like fear and disgust.

Yet, you don't need all these explanations huh?

I am really feeling a burden on this, maybe it's a prayer burden. So many have died, and at such a young age. But the story doesn't end. For behind every dead person is another story of mourning and sadness, of confusion and grief that revolves many others.

And all of us mourn over the dead for not being able to complete whatever he's suppose to, for leaving loved ones, for leaving so quick. For some of us, we wonder where the dead will be, with God, or without. We asked ourselves WHY, asked God WHY, did they have to leave so quickly. But the truth is, we'll all running out of time. Science can change, their theories alter every decade. We trust in shares and insurance plans that may fail us. We live in uncertainty in this ever changing world. But one truth remains, ten out of ten of my friends will die, just waiting. Are they your friends too?

For that reason, people try to "live their lives to the fullest" with an emptiness they don't understand. Some kept to their comfort zones surviving, yet never lived. Maybe we achieve degrees, and awards and certificates, get rich, be famous, do charity.

When our body decomposes, and you tell me there is no eternity, does it all matter at all?

I couldn't do anything. Maybe pray, maybe tell you the good news and the victory at the cross. Ultimately, the choice is not mine to make, not even God makes your choices, you do.

It's screaming in my head, louder and louder. Jesus," You trust Me with your life, and I will lead you through death!"

And if we call ourselves Christian, this is where it truly begins. Not with Christian music, not with Passion World Tour which was awesome btw, not with the many fellowships we have attended. Remember when you first fall in love with God? How beautifully innocent it was? When we sing praise or worship now, what is in our minds? Is it still God, or just the tune? I do not know what is in our hearts, but the thought that I have failed to see and achieve the full magnitude of His glory , saddens me. And the next time we worship, will we ask ourselves to really declare Jesus as Lord, or just sing to the tune?

Think about it.

Because it's not about the story of a god who needs your money, offerings and devotion. We're talking about a God who has everything but needed you to be with for an eternity.

Just breathe

2008-08-23T02:27:00.002+08:00

I am constantly loosing myself.

Most lately I have been up till 4am trying to make myself fall asleep. Please do not give me any more disappointing remedies. Few of these nights I did something I haven't done in 2 years. Just sitting at the edge of my bed grabbing my used-to-be-white teddy bear.

I have always been a reserved person. There's nothing wrong with it, though it makes me wonder why am I that different from every other girl I know. Someone told me a "secret" that she felt so astonishing because even her best friend doesn't know. How devastating... I have things that only God knows. If girl you consider yourself secretive, I dunno how to describe myself.

But then, it is a weakness. I've been through enough to ever let anyone know everything or even anything about me. My parents, those who claim to know everything about me, yeah right, even Kah Yee knows me more than they ever did (and not even counting my life group members). It stops me from getting close to anyone, I told myself it doesn't matter if anyone judges me. Still, I can't. Maybe it's true that I don't have the maturity to accept rejection. Or perhaps I've been running away from closer relationships, it became automatic. AVOID!

Oh bother, I'm just being selfish writing about me once more. It could be a phase of identity search, though I already know, I am one MOST unique person. Looking back 6 months, 1 year, though, I really wasn't the same. For one, I've gone from needing no conversations, to yearning for affection. A reverse growth? I have no idea. Probably because I never could answer the question "would you want your mom to be around?", and slowly I'm realizing the things I have missed in life.

Action, compassion, fashion, passion. It's not the first time this month people wonder about the passion I have. I reaaally don't know if I qualify as "passionate", I'm not the type who's full of zest, jumpy and all excited about life wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

NO WAY. That is just annoying.

Then again, hopefully, and eventually every soul is passionate about God. Why, why and why... Grace. That's it. Sufficient. Not to say that I am a goodie two shoes fruitcake, though that would be an honour. Not that I have never doubted God before. Not even that I have never question His grace and asked, "God, Your grace is sufficient but how do I know it's even relevant in my life?"

I'm breathing.

The God who can't tolerate sin, let's me breathe. God warned Adam that he will surely die if he eats the forbidden fruit. Even so, Adam didn't die, not immediately. Remember when God clothed Adam in skin or fur? It signifies sacrifice. Our God is graceful that he even allowed us sinners to continue living. Our God did not strike us dead the moment we sin, but He gave us chances. And I'm sure you guys know the story of the cross, elaborate next time.

Least that's something for me to look forward to. Just breathing.

Coffee doesn't really help me on writing, gah! Back to writing up for Pointcast.

2008-08-14T03:36:00.002+08:00

It is 3.38 A.M. I came back to my room after watching Martha Stewart baking shortbreads. It's wrong to say I'm so relaxed that I can watch TV. Rather, since I can't bake now for various reasons, watching others cook takes my mind off things.

Yet somehow, with this entry I'm typing now, I'm thinking. Semester four is filled with studies, and lectures I just struggle to concentrate, a lot of "I am blur" remarks to the one sitting next to me. Not a good sign, and I'm not going to use the excuse "I tried" either. It brings me back to my mid-teens, of me wishing, hoping that life was more than studies, career, apartments, spouse, kids, grandkids, end.

The difference now is, there is hope, always. Jesus, whom I am proud to call, my God, is forever more. Even for what I'm studying for, it counts. My life counts, that is. If not at all to the world, at least it counts to Him. To be honest, I'm still rather insecure of who I am, and what my future holds. I have a deep fear that whatever I have put my life and sweat into, will all just be whisked away in a snap. No, I'm not the type of person that has never failed before. Rather, I'm tired. Probably one of those described in the chinese proverb, “小时了了，大未必佳”， something something child prodigy may not be so bright when he grows up.

What is the point?

Sigh~ I would rather not be told that I'm just like any other teenager who thinks the whole world is against me. Don't you dare label me.

I'd really like to clarify that I don't wish to be born somewhere "normal". I do think about it though, the possibilities, the many things I don't have to keep. Well, stuff I don't tell anyone that God knows still I find it hard just to spit it out.

Perhaps that is another reason why I need saving. WHO in the world knows me completely, but loves me anyway?

God, I'm waiting. I need Your purpose in my studies, I need Your will to be my future.

Recently God has placed some things in my heart, though i still lack the words to write it out. However, here's something to ponder about. John 3:16 is mentioned almost every other time, what about the verse right after it?

For God did not send His Son to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.

John 3:17

Mediator

2008-08-11T17:25:00.002+08:00

Those of you know knew me by January 2008, you would have known that my BIG word this year is mediator.

It was meant to be a birthday post, yet being blank that day, it was never written. But I thought today would be perfect, it's one month after my birthday, one month before my spiritual birthday, cool huh? Fits the name mediator.

Mediator for several reasons. Since I am now *sniff* nineteen, soon *sigh* twenty*, these are probably the years getting confused of whether I'm an adult or teen or am i anything at all. Probably the years of getting used to getting out of teenage-hood, having less excuse to neglect responsibilities. Man I feel the pressure already.

Also, I have probably shared that I'm not ready to be a senior (though Trisha left and that made me most senior for Mpharm, gah!). Still, there are juniors to interrupt, scare, threat, *ahem* care for, help out, advise...

I'm not really that proud of what i have grown into. A certain parts maybe, the part where faith becomes an action word. Yet there are times when i talk like no one cares, I do. It was never me to talk empty shallow conversations. It's not really about crawling back into my hermit shell, it's about me being comfortable with myself, and for that, I need to eat more grass.

Then again, I didn't say I'm ashamed of being sometimes, insane, nuts and spontaneous. Well, we all now know the reason why. :)

The Story of :--

2008-08-04T23:20:00.008+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl named Ashley having a lot of fun. "Life is too short not to be friends with Mr. Jack Daniels", as she said it. Life, a rather strong word, don't you think? A brief candle, a biography, an entertaining masquerade. Eventually this life was no longer real to her. A girl named Christa (A coincidence, no?) appeared in her life. Fruitcake- she calls. Still fruitcake accepted her for who she was.

Yet it wasn't easy for Ashley to accept Christa. Why is she always perfect? Christa said she was changed after a Passion Conference, because she knew God loved her. Christa told Ashley God loves her too. God? She laughed at the very thought. How could God ever love a screw up? God only love perfect people like Fruitcake. But ultimately, by the unconditional love of God shown through Christa, Ashley accepted Christ, her life was never the same again. She wrote an email to Louie Giglio.

"
January 22, 2007

Hi, I feel kinda weird writing this email. And i doubt if it ever gets to Mr Louie Giglio...

Read rest here ...I am sorry this is kinda rambling but I just had to tell you that I now know about the Grace of God, and I have life for the first time in my 22 years

Ashley"

3 months passed. She was going to graduate. She got a new car. She was going to church the next Sunday with her family.

It never happened. Ashley passed away in a car accident.

Yet we all know that she has been saved. Her life is now a powerful testimony to God. Even if she has only been saved for 3 months, she has made Jesus famous. For Our God is real and true, all powerful, and what seemed impossible was done in 2 weeks. Our God is mighty to save indeed.

It's a great story wasn't it? How about another?

Once there was a man who loved his son very much... Erm, maybe next Easter

One night a man had a dream.. Oh wait. You heard this story already.

How about...

Ok, fine, it's too corny.

Hmmm.....

"Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" said the man as he pushed me down to the ground.

The story

I am an adulteress. Here I am on the ground, with people around me with stones in their hands. Tears drip down my cheek as i try to cover my shame barely with a peace of blanket. It was useless, nothing can hide what I have done. I feel filthy, scared, alone. Their accusations were correct, their condemnations were just, death awaits me.

I am kneeling before this man named Jesus. If what they say is true, this is the Son of God in flesh. No, don't look at me! I have been caught laying with another's husband. My sins and wickedness have surfaced as guilt and the fear of punishment.

Yet He, bent down on the ground and wrote with His finger. My accusers question Him on my punishment. He straighten up. I knew it, I just knew it! I am trapped and condemned by the very words God spoken 1300 years ago from the pillar at Mount Sinai.

He spoke, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

I closed my eyes. But slowly I hear the sound of stones being dropped to the ground. I open up my eyes, my accusers have left. And there He was, standing right in front of me. My death sentence is deserving.

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir."

"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now sin no more."

*****************************************

Time went by, I saw Him hung on a tree. Or is it? His face is not the same. It is hard to tell with all those bruises. Why?

**************End**************************

The Story of ...?

Had a good guess? It's probably life, or maybe love, maybe mercy and forgiveness. They're all good, but not WOWing, mind boggling, crazily good.

It is the word I have been meditating on for the passed few months. The very word that could set me crying for hours. The one word that was never taught in other religion.

A picture taken while driving back from Puchong today. (Yes I know it's rather dangerous, btw, it says GRACE on that grren thing on that truck, just so you dot have eyesight like mine)

The story of Grace

I really hope those who went for the most awesome Passion World Tour got something return, and of course, a little bit more understanding of GRACE. The word have decayed and degraded over the years like spoiled meat, as did the word Charity. To be honest, I'm rather appalled by a lot of *ahem* Churches that promote Jesus as a life enhancer, rather than a saviour. True, I'm sounding rather judgemental. Yet I couldn't help but cry over the many "Christians" who have not reallised that Our God is a saviour, not a bank.

We say we repent but do we really? Our actions make pre-believers doubt our beliefs. If Jesus will forgive my every sins, why not I sin every day and ask for forgiveness later? I'm not saying that there should be a specific answer to that. Though by saying do not test God, I think that's rather down grading to the grace of God. Sometimes we make simple things complicated. If a person has feels sorry, then true guilt comes with the fear of punishment. To make it simple, a child broke his mother's favourite vase, now he is afraid that his mother will punish him, though because of his mother's grace, he is spared, though he won't even think of break another vase next time.

To repent, is to forsake sin. Though we're obviously not successful. But the key is that we FALL into sin, we do not plan to sin this monday. Yet, the example above is only for slight explanation that is incomparable to God.

Christians, we know that all men are born sinful. Many has come to accept this fact, yet it is not to be an excuse to justify ourselves whether we're less sinful than the others. And no matter what sin, how many sins, it makes us all the same. But for the cowardly and unbelieving and abominable and murderers and immoral persons and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars, their part will be in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death." Revelation 21:8.

Our God hates sin. And not only that, Heaven is a perfect place that doesn't need a blemish as a decoration. Every man with commonsense will know that a good judge will bring a criminal to justice by the right punishment. And because God is a good judge, he won't let those who hate, lie, steal into heaven. Not convinced?

Try the 10 commandments. You'd be lucky if you manage to keep even one of them.

Yet the law of God is not to condemn others, for we are condemned by not believing already (John 3:18). The law does not make a person sinful. The law just shows us how sinful we are.

And that is when grace comes in. We are the adulteresses from the story. Jesus didn't say "It's alright. Your sins are OK. Carry on." No, the condemnation was just, right and we deserve a death sentence. Jesus was the one who had only rights to throw the first stone at us.

But He didn't.

Because God so loved us, because He allowed Himself, from needing nothing, to needing us to spend eternity with Him. And this great love cause Him to be ripped in flesh.

This is my God, a saviour. My God is no bank, no insurance plan, not a cure for cancer, not a check.

(He can be, but nah~)

While most people got Isaiah 26:8 in return of Passion World Tour, I would say 2 Corinthian 5:21 captures me more. 1 For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

John 3 :16

(If you dunno, I suggest you grab a bible more often)

The Voice of Silence

Once we watch the lazy world go by~

Lust after

Something precious

Reaction

More than enough.

When hardwork is not equaled to days of sleepless nights.

When my best just isn't good enough

I can do ALL things.

Greater things have yet to come.

Sister

In each and every person

Too smart too early?

Stuck

The cares of life

Fish out of water.

Remember

What a month.

Kick

Truth is

All grown up, really?

Droooooooool

Now that's what I'm talking about

Encounter

A Little Taste of Honey

Fresh Wounds

Defying Gravity

Shriek!

When life is upside down.

Once in a lifetime

Still

What I really feared 3 years ago

To the Limit

Phenomenal

The Thief at the Cross

Stranger in Glasgow

To someone dear,

Absolutely Gorgeous

Stupid Insomnia

Rest

Taking over me by Evanescence

Sick..

The bear with no name.

I know what to do now.

The lioness purrs.

Heart of a five year old

This Episode

300 kilometres for a doctor.

Fever

Baby- A Love I cannot have.

A Psalm of David

Frequency Shriek

In Loving Hands

两天打鱼， 三天晒网

Move over, BOY!

Sense Me

Without phone

Two Forty A.M.

Realness

Third Year

Soooo Handsome

They Don't Understand.

Done something

The Pressure is On

Just as you are.

True courage

Pregnant and it's not funny.

Too much

Where at?

Lioness

Skin Deep

Today I'm no longer a driver on probation

In the Shadows

Hopefully this isn't the final post of the year.

The most beautiful

2 Guys (Strong enough)

A Time of Healing

In desperation

At the very edge

Written Venom

两天打鱼，三天晒网